Sex toys come in shapes as obvious as cock and as innocent as duck but never, until now, inspired equally by bowling and the deathstar.

It’s hard to know if the Vibromasseur is of a size where sticking it into your vag/man-gina seems like the most obvious thing to do, but they make a big deal out of highlighting the ‘virgin’ plastic and non-porous silicone used in its construction so have at it, the thing’s splashproof.

I’ve never really understood the pleasure of mechanical vibration but I don’t have a clitoris and know I’m missing something. The lack of any obvious pricing on the Big Tease Toys site suggests the Vibromasseur’s not cheap, but with glass dildoes going for over a hundred dollars a pop it’s not out of the question to charge for something with more functionality than a soda bottle. As soon as I get my review copy I’ll tell you all about it (in black please).

Link

Popularity: 27% [?]

Sex toys in the duty free store.

Whenever I think attitudes to sexuality in America aren’t too far behind Europe I notice something that could never exist in the US and it simultaneously thrills and depresses me.

For example, in Amsterdam’s airport alongside the souvenir cheese and clogs there’s a robust display of vibrators, edible panties and sex toys. They’re all low to the ground, nothing’s hidden from children under the assumption sex is corrupting, and euphemisms about ‘body massagers’ and ‘novelties’ are pleasingly absent.

The candy panties look great on by the way.

Popularity: 33% [?]

There is no greater measure of man’s unstoppable ingenuity than the inventions whose only purpose is sexual pleasure.

While brave amateurs risk death by fire when the orbital sander they’re using as a vibrator ignites the seat cushions they’re humping, real sexual engineers are tapping into your spinal cord and ordering your johnson to stand up with a torch battery.

I’d like to believe this research was rooted in trying to help the disabled but, given your dick works as long as your back is broken below the third vertebrae which is so high up your neck you’d have to remove your jaw to see it, I suspect this is more likely a drug free Viagra alternative for the truly brave.

The possibilities of an electrically controlled erection are endless; remote control, environmentally friendly solar power and a tazer attachment spring to mind. I’d advise these guys to sell out to Apple and register iBone.com immediately.

Popularity: 27% [?]

The Tingle Tip.

The blinding obviousness of the ‘Tingle-Tip‘, a vibrator-head you can attach to any Oral-B toothbrush, doesn’t make it any less brilliant. If I was a woman, and sometimes I like to dress like one, this would have a permanent place in my wash-bag if only because customs officials are far less likely to pull this out of a bad than a ‘Rampant Rabbit’ filled with ball-bearings.

I have know way of knowing how effective this as a vibe, but as I’ve long used this kind of toothbrush can assure anyone who picks a tingle-tip up they’ll have a squeaky clean clit in just two minutes a day. If I was working for Braun, I’d call this thing a gum massager and include it with the brush from the factory.

Popularity: 28% [?]

I’m not sure why you’d want to measure a vagina. The only one I’ve experienced whose size was notable, a commodious cooch, was exactly too big for ‘Little Sagan’ to do his normally embiggening magic. I could only touch the sides if I moved my hips like the clickwheel on an iPod.

However, if you’re a pre-op female-to-male transexual thinking of using your vaginal tissue to fashion a frankenpenis and want advance notice of how big you’ll be – the Inch Perfect vibrator might be just the thing.

The ‘reality-check’ implications of this thing mean you’ll never see it in the same room as me a male porn star.

Update: I’ve been schooled. Seska says this may also be useful for webcam performers whose 16-inch double-threat dongs confuse viewers into overestimating their vaginal capacity.

Popularity: 34% [?]

A friend sent me this ad for IKEA yesterday. It’s hilarious, beautifully put together, and running on TV in Europe which, for American readers, must be hard to imagine.

Why?

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Whereas the people who made this ad saw a funny situation which hinges on a child’s naïveté and imagination, making for the kind of anecdote parents would tell at dinner parties till the end of time; in the US it’s increasingly taboo to acknowledge children exist in a world that includes the sex which created them.

If this ad is un-broadcastable in the US on the basis of content, movies which show pre-pubescent girls in swimsuits are indecent, and toddlers should be prevented from running around naked on public beaches. A totally logical chain of thought if you’re a pedophile, totally bizarre if not. When are we going to accept sexuality as normal, vital and healthy and when are we going to stop people who think like sexual predators from setting standards of acceptability?

Popularity: 60% [?]