Kyla Cole.
I’m lucky enough to live in Latvia for large chunks of time, and it’s home to some of the most beautiful women I’ve ever been rejected by. The preponderance of natural blondes, natural tits and six-footers means more-and-more of these women are entering the jizz-bizz for the obvious reason. In a country where the average wage is $1.40 an hour, $300 for 2 hrs of tits-out is insanely good money.
And of course, many of them look like this:
(My, platonic damnit, friend Veronika Zemenova)
As I’ve discovered, Eastern European women aren’t like women in the west, so if your travels through the jizzosphereâ„¢ bring you into contact with some ‘Natashas’, here are a few pointers.
- They’re better educated than you. In countries with languages only their population speaks, your average citizen under thirty will be fluent in two, and have skills – which if attained by a Westerner would be declared as fluency – in a couple more. The girl who works in my local bakery speaks fluent Latvian, Russian, English, German and French, is pretty, smart, 20 years old and works in a fucking bakery. Don’t condescend, you have no right to.
- They don’t smile. If you ask a Russian how their holiday was they’ll say “I’m glad to be back.” They are not a jolly people. Smiling at Russian women makes them look at you as if you’re doing impressions of kids with Downs Syndrome. To them laughter’s a sign of weakness and a funny joke is about being fucked by the government. Leonard Cohen is huge here. Don’t let it throw you, just look them in the eye and channel your inner Trent Reznor.
- They have odd views. In Latvia calling black people ‘neeger’ isn’t considered offensive. Nor is throwing rocks at homosexuals (I wish I was exaggerating but it happened a couple of months ago and then the President said that homophobia was impossible because there were no homosexuals in the country). If you want to have a political conversation be prepared to listen to some erection-wiltingly misguided opinions. Better yet – don’t.
- They don’t like guys who drink vodka. Every Eastern European woman has a number of men in her immediate family who think vodka’s a food group. The shortest route to all her daddy issues is via a bottle of Smirnoff (which she’ll laugh at in favor of a real vodka like ‘Russky Standart’). Semen with a similar composition to the centre of a liqueur chocolate is what she’s running away from, so try not to get drunk in front of her.
- They’re easy to pick up. Don’t let the frown fool you. Russian women say there are three types of guy, “Poor man, drunk man and evil man.” – a lot of them are looking for a way out (professional or romantic) and are hoping you’ll be sober, wealthy and nice.
On reflection this sounds like advice better suited to dating than working relationships, but let’s face it, who doesn’t want to date hot models with cute accents?
Popularity: 41% [?]
Fame costs. Do you want it?
Women are the focus, stars of and lifeblood of the jizz bizz. If you want to become an adult performer and were born with a womb there will always be a space for you.
Scud movies, sticky floor clubs and biology websites all celebrate sexual attraction. Your success in porn is closely tied to how you look, how smart you are, talent and the friends you make – in that order.
The adult industry has a healthier attitude towards the gamut of women’s appearance and body types than TV, fashion or movies. Many adult performers are successful despite not standing a chance as a model or actress if judged on looks alone. This is because women in the adult industry enjoy their success thanks to the heterosexual men while actresses and models not the whims of and gay men and self-loathing women.
You can make money simply by taking your top off. Men are pathetic for big dugs. If you’re cute, you’re an underwire away from a fortune.
Contrary to what the press would tell you, though guys see sex appeal and beauty as distinct things we appreciate both. At least that’s how I can explain wanting to go love spelunking with a plastic dolt like Jessica Simpson.
So how do you get into porn?
Firstly, if you’re over 5′7″ tall, zit free and skinny consider the fashion industry. The perks are better and there’s usually more money in it.
Getting a job as a model is the easiest thing in the world. Don’t ever pay anyone to take pictures of you. If you have what it takes people will want to work with you. Walk into the office of any well-known modeling agency and ask for a job. If you stand any chance at all they’ll squeal with delight, put cash in your hand and send you off to put a portfolio together. You’ll have a crappy apartment in New York, a drug habit and Brett Ratner’s phone number by the end of the week.
(NB: If everyone tells you that you’re beautiful, but modeling agencies tell you that you’re too fat ignore it. The fashion industry likes women built like adolescent boys. The 10% with tits become supermodels, but the fashionistas don’t seem to make the connection.)
In fashion and in porn your looks and attitude will broadly decide your future so a brutally honest self-assessment is necessary. Consider the rest of this post tough-love.
Read the advice below any phrase that might describe you and see where you might fit into the business of hot love delivery:
“I’m stunningly beautiful.”
If you’re not a fashion model it’s because you’re under five foot eight. If you over five-foot eight, you’re either not as cute as you think you are or you look like a woman without make-up on (most models look like men until they have a full face of make-up and their breasts showing). Welcome to porn. Take of your pants.
You can make a lot of money doing softcore work. People are just happy someone as hot as you is willing to put their junk on display, you needn’t have sex with anyone. In fact hardcore work will be a waste for you. Once you’re having sex on film the sexual intensity, not the beauty of the performer, is what makes the biggest impact. If you’re not truly freakalicious (and trust me – I’ll know it) it’ll be easier, and more lucrative to leave the sex to people less pretty, and nastier, than you.
You don’t need an agent. When people see your pictures, they will call you.
Examples: Aimee Sweet (ex-Elite Model) and Linn Thomas (the first woman ever to appear as a centerfold in Playboy and Penthouse)
“I’m stunningly beautiful and I live in Eastern Europe.”
Visit your country’s capital city. You will be approached by an American with a camcorder, a hard-on and a desire to put you in porn movies before you have time to ask for your passport back. Say no.
You will have to work hard to avoid being exploited. Don’t believe you need an agent. You don’t need one. Learn enough English to negotiate and befriend some (sober) women in the industry fast.
Contact a few major photographers (start with Suze – she’s among the very best and she won’t exploit you) and then let your photos find your work for you.
You do not need a new American boyfriend.
Examples: Veronika Zemanova, Kyla Cole and Victoria Zdrok
“I’m tall, plain as a brown envelope, and I have an eating disorder.”
You are a successful fashion model. Is that flour on your lip?
“I’m cute but not very sexually adventurous.”
You can either work on the web or have sex on camera. The amateur market has a large space for fun, straightforward man/woman sex. The professional market tends to be more intense.
There’s a big market for sexy non-nude modeling and personality based adult material online. You can do very well with a website – build one.
“I’m an average looking sexual weapons system.”
You can become a huge star. Performers fitting this description are the backbone of the porn industry. You’re probably better looking than you think, and with professional hair and make-up you’d be amazed at what’s possible. Be careful to set your own boundaries and try to resist the urge to get an immediate boob job. Visit Jim South or talk directly to the larger movie companies. An agent could be useful but ask around and choose very carefully (photographers and movie companies will have worked with most legitimate agents and will tell you all the horror stories they know without much prompting).
The adult movie industry tends to treat people who aren’t good-looking as ‘freaks’ and will expect freaky things.
“I have big natural breasts, (D cup or larger) and I’m not obese.”
You can make money simply by taking your top off. Men are pathetic for big dugs. If you’re cute, you’re an underwire away from a fortune.
Examples: Danni Ashe, Erica Campbell and Jelena Jensen.
“I have big breasts (D cup or larger), but I’m fat enough to be the bastard offspring of Cartman and Rosie O’Donnell.”
You can make money simply by taking your top off. Men are pathetic for big dugs.
“I have big (D cup or larger) bolt-on breasts and I’m not obese.”
You can make good money, but fake tits (also known as floaters – because they float, bolt-ons – because they’re bolted to your ribs and cartons – because they’re man-made milk containers) are not in high demand in the industry. A plastic chest is not the ticket to riches a natural one is.
Don’t get implants thinking it’ll make you more desirable, it works in a bar but in the adult industry it’s unlikely to get you work.
“I am have multiple piercings, a fetish or both a vagina and a penis.”
Curiosities and fetish specialists can do very well. Fetishes are pursued relentlessly by devotees, and there’s gold in catering to them – Dita Von Teese is has built a career on being heir apparent to Bettie Page and the worlds cutest Goth chick. Even if you’re not as pretty as Dita, you can still make some freaks day by sitting on a balloon just how he likes it. He will join your website.
Examples: Dita Von Teese and Kumi.
“I’m bear-repellant ugly, at Halloween people pull my cheeks and try to take my mask off.”
A lot of guys prefer women who seem approachably fugly (not me, I like women so gorgeous I can only meet them on the Internet) but you’d be surprised at how many guys prefer average to exceptional. Look at Bill Clinton. He had eight years as the most powerful man on the planet and he used that pulling power to get oral from a woman who looks like a Shannon Doherty’s mongoloid sister.
The adult movie industry tends to treat people who aren’t good-looking as ‘freaks’ and will expect freaky things. Check out some DVD’s featuring people like you before taking the next step. You might not like how you’re treated.
Opening a website’s a better move. You can win people over with the force of your personality and find your niche. Very few people are hideously ugly and even Paris Hilton, who is, has found fame thanks to a dye-job, blue contacts and a willingness to allow anyone to take an unguided tour of her cathedral like vagina. You can live that dream too.
“I’m under 20.”
Think very carefully before you do anything. There’s a huge amount of prejudice and stigma that adult performers have to deal with. Don’t rush your decision. If you’re determined, try non-nude modeling. You can make money and avoid the stigma of all out ‘porn’ should you decide that’s as far as you ever want to go.
Don’t discount nude modeling or other sex-related work based on prejudice. The adult industry can offer a lucrative and exciting career and in the world outside America (bar the Middle East) being sexual doesn’t mean you’re stupid or a whore. Smart healthy people have been making money in the porn industry for years.
(I’ll stop before I begin to sound like the guy with the Polaroid camera who hangs out at the Greyhound station offering free rides to girls with backpacks).
If you’re unsure where to start, open a website, and remember – when you’re selling your sexuality you don’t need to have sex with anyone to get a job.
Popularity: 24% [?]
If you want people to look you in the eyse without laughing, consider your porn name carefully.
We’ve all heard about making up a porn name by combining our pet’s name with the street we grew up on but since 1986 that’s been illegal. Seriously, try it and porn commandos will bury up to the neck in sand and bukkake on you until you apologize.
A professional name is a serious thing. You have to live with it, it’s your calling card and it has to grow as you do. It’s also the first major decision you make on entering the industry, and shouldn’t be made when confronted with a release form in a photographers studio. If you leave it until then you’ll end up with a name the photographer came up with. You don’t want that, get any jizz bizz professional drunk enough and they’ll rattle off a list of ridiculous porn names they’d love to saddle someone with.
Even if you leave the adult world, think how much easier it’ll be to discuss your ‘lost’ past and religious conversion if you don’t have to refer to your former self as ‘Goldie Cumfish’.
A number of European performers use their real names, though it’s rare in the US (a dissertation on guilt and morality is waiting to be written on that). The problems with using your real name are:
- It may not be memorable.
- You probably won’t be able to buy it as a URL for your website.
- You won’t be able to check into a hotel without getting calls from horny fans who know you’re in town.
- If you have children they’re going to have to justify your lifestyle every day in school. Of course, if you home school your kids and work in the adult industry, your kids are social outcasts already. Go back to worrying about Arab homosexuals with AIDS being paid, with your tax dollars, to take our guns away and force us all to be Buddhists.
Like everyone else in the public eye, including William Jefferson “Bill” Clinton (so named because he’ll drop trou’ for a dollar), you also want a porn name to create an impression.
Newcomers frequently try to choose names that sound similar to other performers they admire. That’s a mistake.
The more successful you become, the shorter your name will become. We naturally shorten names because we like the people we’re referring to. It feels friendly and the public’s reliable ability to sniff out killers and pederasts before they’ve done anything obviously wrong is why Michael Jackson, even at the height of his fame, was never just Michael, why O.J Simpson never lost the Simpson, and why Jack the Ripper was never simply Rip.
If I say Jennifer, Brad or Angelina you’ll think of specific individuals (naked, a messy pile of limbs, oil everywhere – or is that just me?). If your chosen name is shared with someone more famous than you it’s a certainty that you’ll be mistaken for them in print. In the porn industry any names which include: Ron, Jenna, Danni, Tera, Nina, Seka, Aria, Veronika (and many, many more) are going to be an uphill battle.
Some amateur website owners try to solve the problem of having a non-unique name, and a decent URL, by tying a description of what they like to do the name they want. It’s where we got ExtremeHolly.com (she’s extreme) and NaughtyAlysha.com (a very naughty lady) from.
NB: If you’re going to visit either of those URLs remember there are some things you can’t un-see.
The problem with descriptive names is that they can be restrictive and give the impression you’re a one trick pony. Flexible names are as desirable as flexible dates.
Unless you’re looking for legal bills don’t choose anything that includes a trademarked phrase. That means you Dr. Whopper (catchphrase – Extra mayo? UARRRGH!)
Most importantly, choose your name before your first professional engagement and choose carefully. Some directors refuse to put ‘cheesy’ names on their boxes and I know models who are called different things according to where they appear because of that. Name changes are a marketing nightmare.
Don’t tell anyone your professional name until you’ve bought a URL, and perhaps started a trademark application. Otherwise when you try to buy that domain you might discover someone else is pretending to be you. Unfortunately it still happens a lot.
Personally, I love names with a touch of retro humor. Beverly Center, Dana Point, Jerry Curl and Bill O’Goods are all high on my list of too-good-not-to-be-used porn names. Which is why I’ll never venture in front of the camera (besides, until wide angle lens technology catches up with my size I’m doomed to appearing blurry.)
The key to picking a great professional name for the adult industry is to forget you’re in the adult industry at all. The best-known nude models and performers have names that would work just as well if they were fronting a rock band or acting in mainstream movies. Your name shouldn’t be something you might ever be ashamed of – you’ll have enough prejudice to counter if you become successful.
Even if you leave the adult world, think how much easier it’ll be to discuss your ‘lost’ past and religious conversion if you don’t have to refer to your former self as ‘Goldie Cumfish’.
Pick something that sounds cool and is non-porn specific. By the time people see your website they’ll be aware of what you’re involved in. If your name sounds ‘porny’ it’ll only make you seem cheesy and out of date.
Rule #1 – Porn and cheese don’t mix.
Popularity: 30% [?]
