Sex and T-Shirts are hard to mix. For girls it’s easy. If you’re cute no rules apply. You can turn up in a swastika print silk-screened in shit and people will still laugh at your jokes and buy you drinks. Guys aren’t so lucky. We have to try to avoid looking like a rapist without slipping into Hot Topic/hood of a Camero territory.

Digital Gravel are getting it right. “Sould” allows you to express a doubt that any of the ‘friends’ in your social network would take a bullet for you and wonder if there are any depths people won’t go to trying to earn an ‘add’.

“Kiss Kiss” doesn’t require much explanation. Fake porno kissing of the kind so many of us are sadly susceptible. An easy way for young women to transmit that ‘alcohol fueled lesbian’ vibe.

Popularity: 23% [?]

It can be hard, nigh on impossible, to mix a fondness for anatomy films with streetwear you’re not ashamed to be in. Porn company logo-wear isn’t funny and will only attract knowing nods from lonely men, while promotional items for any movie produced since 1989 is out of the question unless you suspect you won’t be the only person in a “Tiny Stretched Assholes” T-Shirt at the PTA meeting.

Mondo Tees comes to the rescue with a number of retro-themed designs which, with a couple of exceptions, avoid being cringe worthy and make hip, albeit not wildly creative, references to the ‘golden age’ of skin flicks.

Wear your new shirt over this for full effect.

Popularity: 31% [?]

I saw this shirt, whose script must be taken from a set of sex doll instructions, while grabbing a coffee in Soho this morning. It reads:

1. Blow me up.
2. Do not use sharp objects such as scissors, knife or needle.
3. Using your thumb and forefinger gently pull the safety seal from my vagina , revealing my vaginal opening.
4. Follow the same procedures to peel off my anus seal. Vagina and anus openings will have a smooth and regular rim after the seal is peeled off exposing my pink tunnels of love for the first time – to ensure nobody else has tampered with them before.

Who knew it was so complicated and hygenic? I thought you just pumped up and saddled up. I’m trying to work out if the instructions are more impressive than women with the guts to wear the tee. Awesome.

Popularity: 30% [?]

I’ll start by saying having to pre-order a cool T-Shirt suggests the shirt’s target market is geeky enough to place pre-orders and therefore can’t be cool.

Tautology aside this ‘Sex Slave‘ tee might be worth having. Combining apes, bondage, nudity, Japanese writing and pink it’s features everything considered cool by me sci-fi movie directors in the 1975-85 period.

$42 is a lot for a T-Shirt but I’ve been spending all my time in the UK lately and in London you can spend $42 on lunch at Subway.

‘Apes Love Asians.‘ says the site.

Exactly.

Popularity: 28% [?]

Ron Jeremy is a really nice guy but you don’t tend to associate his name with good taste. Good tastebuds maybe, the guy does to buffets what Halliburton does to no-bid contracts (Zing!), but he’s the last person you’d expect to find in the celebrity homes issue of Wallpaper.

When I found this T-Shirt (pictured) in a store today I was taken aback. It’s actually pretty nicely designed. I’d almost wear it. ‘The Hedgehog’ looks good as a South Park/minifig chimera. Who’da thunk it?

As I wasn’t about to drop £20 ($4,000,000) on a T-shirt simply so I could blog about it, I instead committed the manufacturer’s website to memory and walked home, to discover I’d lost it somewhere between the parts of my brain dedicated to ‘breasts’ and ‘ninjas’ – forcing me to spend the next hour Googling for a picture of the thing.

Did you know 50% of world manufacturing is dedicated to producing T-shirts carrying the image of Bill Clinton’s favorite Jew?

They’re. Fucking. Everywhere.

Crazy.

Ron for President.

Popularity: 36% [?]

The store is now a lot cooler than it was.

You can now apply any design to any item. That means a complete range of hoodies, T’s, buttons, mugs and caps are on offer in a huge range of colors. You can decide the size, position and material of each design, giving you total control over get.

I celebrated by uploading a new design which reads “It’s not jackin’ off if you take it seriously.” Wear it with pride (or tattoo it onto any part of your body and regret it for the rest of your life – trust me on this, I do)

Buy stuff here

Popularity: 37% [?]

Another packed bloggasm, I hear that this thing’s really starting to draw some attention. Thanks for the referrals, the more bloggers join in, the better it works. This weeks picks are:

• A Vampire Eats Out (whatsyourpleasure.blogspot.com)
• Another Day of Hard Work in Phone Sex (talkingdirty.blogspot.com)
• Bedroom Radio Episode #8 – Under the Covers (bedroomradio.blogspot.com)
• Behaviour and Fulfilled Fantasies (bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com)
• Better late than never (darkershadeofme.blogspot.com)
• “Can’t I at least see them!?” (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)
• Edges – Part II – A Story of Rape, Complicity and Consent (nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)
• For M (anyonesgirl.blogspot.com)
• Harder (lumpesse.com)
• I’ve Got A Few Other Ideas As Well (tirepaddle.com)
• Karly and the True Pro – by Joe (karlyjoe.blogspot.com)
• Mister Interviews Mister (sexblo.gs)
• My heart belongs to Daddy… (mimredbeard.com)
• Punishment (sexinga.blogspot.com)
• The Swag has Landed (sugarbank.com)
• The Second Coming of Jesus (theholidaylife.blogspot.com)
• The Sounds of Cumming (radicalvixen.com)
• Trying Out the New Vibe (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)
• World AIDS Day & Condoms (seska4lovers.com)
• Would you kiss or lick me better? (deltaofvenus.blogspot.com)

Please repost the links above by the end of the weekend and trackback/pingback to let me know (if you’re listed in Technorati I’ll find any post which links to me automatically).  (As I’ve just launched some SugarBank T-Shirts let me know if anyone wants bloggasm swag – it’s all possible now. The mug of your dreams is just a click away and I’m already getting asked to do some stuff for Valentino’s spring line so book me now.)

Popularity: 47% [?]

As every wise person knows, what the web is missing is another place to buy ‘funny’ T-Shirts. With that knowledge I’ve put together a SugarBank store, SugarSwag, in time for the Holidays.

YEAH! MERCHANDISING! LET’S GO!

I can tell you’re excited.

There are three designs, aimed at porn lovers, bloggers and trendsetters everywhere, they read:

• “My blog’s pretty jackoffable”
• “The Greatest Threat Posed by Porn is Tennis Elbow”
• “Sex (Porn), Drugs (Caffeine) and Rock ‘n’ Roll (MP3’s)”

They’re available on a variety of T-Shirts (some with long sleeves) styled for men and women (no kids, even I draw the line somewhere). They’re all American Apparel, made in the US (not in a sweatshop) and printed with flock (flock’s that slightly furry, velvety stuff so, unlike a regular screen-printed T-Shirt, people are going to want to rub you when you wear these). They’re very expensive and worth every penny.

Here’s an enormous picture of everything on offer, it’ll help you decide if expending the energy to click on this link is worthwhile. You can see the designs at full-size in the store, which is where I suggest you go next:

Of course I can’t forget the hotpants. Everyone needs hotpants…

Popularity: 49% [?]

For years I’ve been jotting down phrases I’d like to see on T-Shirts for some future online sales project. I’m thinking the time is now (inspired by Ms. Kitka’s desire to buy some porn-friendly merchandise and her offer of free modeling). I don’t imagine it’ll be big business, I just want the stuff for me and anyone else who thinks they’re worth putting on.

The design bit’s easy, but does anyone know of manufacturing alternatives to the ubiquitous Cafepress? I’d ideally like to get a few T-Shirts and a couple of bikini’s silk-screened (the bikini’s sound mad I know – but I have a design I’m sure people will want to buy and I want to see more people in bikinis damnit. I think about it all the time.)

I don’t mind a little expense, but have no desire to place large advance orders before I know if anyone’s interested. Obviously – as soon as I publicize the design’s I’ll be ripped off – so I’d prefer to just get stuck in. A single item is enough to start with, as long as orders can be filled after that. Any ideas? I’m very willing to partner with anyone who can help too. Free product will go to anyone making winning recommendations.

If on the other hand you would never buy a T-Shirt or anything else from SugarBank let me know that too…

Popularity: 20% [?]