Many sources have reported Belgian senate candidate Tania Derveaux’s campaign promise to dispense 40,000 BJ’s should she get elected. An overdose dose of vitamin P for any cocksmith, even assuming Derveaux’s taking lessons in burying her dignity ingesting random schlong from notorious penile gourmand Paris Hilton.

Thus it’s no surprise to discover Tania has a helper, Lin Chong, and a pleasant result to note she is:

1. Cuter than Tania.
2. Giving demos of her yogurt farming technique on YouTube (soon to be followed by your tube).

As YouGle doesn’t like the porn, I’ve grabbed the video before ‘The Man’ sees it in case it suddenly disappears. I present it here for your masturbatory amusement but don’t ask me if it’s work safe I have no idea. Mime is not supposed to give you a little ‘cake’ (cake, as in a delicious treat stored in your pants).

Cock the vote.

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(N.B. Porn featuring invisible man-ass is hot.)

Popularity: 32% [?]

I’ve yet to discover a place in the metropolitan US where I can’t see the ‘Stars and Bars Stripes’ hanging from a peeling flagpole. To outsiders like me, used to associating flags with pogroms, facists and war, that level of universal patriotism makes us nervous.

George Washington too:

“Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.”
- George Washington

So I view the abuse of flags, of all nations, as a refreshing expression of independent thought. A flag only represents the person behind it, and usually they’re an asshole who wants to kill anyone with a different flag.

At Banners, Damsels and Mores (sic) what’s behind the flag is literally an asshole. This prime example of FrontPage era webdesign is committed to chronicling babes wrapped in, around and on old glory (despite everything models know about horizontal stripes making you look heavy).

After perusing the galleries I’m starting to think this may be stealth propaganda; right now I can’t think of America without getting a little chub.

(Who doesn’t love a site that identifies Paris Hilton as ‘heiress/bimbo’?)

Popularity: 30% [?]

Babes with Books is a blog whose content is pleasantly self-explanatory. Though, to my knowledge, devoid of nudity if, like me, you find women with well-formed opinions cocksworthy the sight of a lady tucked between two sheets of fine cotton-bond can be irresistibly stimulating.

Some of the images here don’t count of course. Students are forced to read under threat of being cut off from parental cash-flow and anyone reading ‘The Da Vinci Code’ in 2007 has to find another way to prove their literacy. I’m not buying Paris Hilton and Sun Tzu either, but the woman dressed as a French maid while casually exposing her legs? I choose for that to be plausible.

Girls gone Academic for all the NPR listeners out there and it’s work-safe too (email me if you get fired and I’ll update this post).

Popularity: 30% [?]

The Mitsubishi Evo IX is the best value performance car you can buy. Capable of getting to sixty miles-an-hour in less than five seconds, using a 2 litre engine, with four passengers, for $30,000. Logic dictates that anyone with a brain would choose the fuel efficient, four-door Mitsubishi over a twice as expensive, two-door, single passenger Porsche 911 which accelerates no faster. They don’t. Porsche is the most profitable car company in the world and Mitsubishi drivers secretly wish they could drive Porsches.

Jesus Phone Apple’s iPhone, the most anticipated product in consumer electronics history, will change how people use the web and in the six months between today and the time it lands in shops we’ll have to remake our websites in anticipation of the shift. If anyone doubts Apple’s ability to sell a $600 phone/PDA/internet device ask yourself if the Apple brand is a Porsche or a Mitsubishi. Cost is not a factor, desirability is everything.

People like me, who’ve resisted the key-laden horror of Blackberry’s, and who are too grown-up to use a sidekick (anything used by Paris Hilton is off the ‘cool’ roll-call forever) now have another option. Apple are pretending they’re selling a phone, though it’s obvious making calls is the least of iPhone’s abilities. It’s a personal media player (iPod) which ships with the highest resolution seen ever seen on a mainstream device. With 480×320 pixels of resolution it matches DVD and given it’s small size will look better than DVD ever did. Everything a Blackberry does, iPhone does too, and better than anything, it allows users to surf the web without recourse to special formats, lost images or geekery.

Apple have also defined how people will get media into their pocket. Instead of messing around with wireless downloads the iPhone will leech media from your computer though iTunes. They understand that even if we could download media to our phones over a super-fast wireless connection we’d want to view it on our other devices so why not download it using the most appropriate device in the house – a computer – and share it with all our other devices as desired. Wireless data transfer is saved for information we need on the move like email.

For website owners iPhone means making sites that play nice on a 480 pixel screen (despite iPhone’s ability to manage larger screens why make it any harder than necessary?) and making media easy to get into iTunes via RSS. It’s not the only way to do things but Apple have a track record, the best marketing on the planet and products people lust after. Even if you think Apple borg are Kool-Aid-and-Nike toting imbeciles, their numbers are growing and Apple’s selling more music than Amazon.

The revolution has been mobilized.

Update: The New York Times has been playing with the iPhone.

Update:

“The iPhone breaks two basic axioms of consumer technology. One, when you take an application and put it on a phone, that application must be reduced to a crippled and annoying version of itself. Two, when you take two devices—such as an iPod and a phone—and squish them into one, both devices must necessarily become lamer versions of themselves. The iPhone is a phone, an iPod, and a mini-Internet computer all at once, and contrary to Newton—who knew a thing or two about apples—they all occupy the same space at the same time, but without taking a hit in performance. In a way iPhone is the wrong name for it. It’s a handheld computing platform that just happens to contain a phone.”

From Time – Apple’s New Calling: The iPhone

Popularity: 73% [?]

One’s a talented author, one’s a talented woodsman but Craig has managed to tie Paris Hilton, Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy into a post which makes a series of salient points about publishing (porn’s published too!)

E.g. When independent distributors come under pressure they often abandon the obscure for the safety of the mainstream. In that case, is Amazon the best friend of the avant-garde?

More smart contortions follow…

NB: Craig’s last novel, Dermaphoria, is now out in paperback. Let Google be your guide…

(Image a page from the graphic novelization of ‘The Contortionists Handbook’)

Popularity: 35% [?]

When Antonio Marcos at X Canal received a letter complaining of a lack of disabled performers in porn titles he held a casting. When no one stepped forward the letter writer, 45 year old, wheelchair bound, ataxia victim Encarna Conde, stepped up.

Holy Crip! It’s a Crapple! (As Peter Griffin would say.)

I’ve not seen the movie they made, ‘Breaking Barriers’, and doubt I will (I don’t need to see disabled people fucking to recognise they’re sexual people. The whole 45 year old amateur thing leaves me cold) Conde’s comment on the shoot, ‘It was very pleasant, though I was somewhat cowardly…’, says a lot though.

As American producers empty circus schools looking for the next exploitable trick, representing an ignored group, like 54 million disabled Americans, seems too obvious to ignore. Could the industry contain it’s natural inclination to exaggerate stereotypes and make people like Conde feel comfortable? Most importantly of all – would anyone pay to watch disabled people having sex?

(Disclaimer – I did once watched a mentally disabled girl having sex but I don’t think Paris Hilton’s retardation’s officially recognized).

Popularity: 58% [?]

Making a porn movie with the intention of selling it requires more than a camcorder, Paris Hilton’s phone number and limitless supplies of gak (also known as snow, blow or charlie – only joking, drugs are for fools kids. Just. Say. No.)

That’s not to say making porn is difficult – a fact more obvious when you’ve spoken to a couple of porn’s more successful auteurs – but if you don’t plan before you start, you’ll have more than disappearing erections, PCR-DNA tests and sand in the AstroGlide to worry about.

• You don’t need a plot, and a poorly thought out plot is worse than none at all (e.g. the Da Vinci code hinges on hidden meaning in the words ‘Mona Lisa’, despite Leonardo’s painting not being called that until hundreds of years after his death, making a hidden meaning impossible. Sloppy Mr. Brown, sloppy.) What you do need is an idea – something to make your epic stand out from the five thousand other fuck-clicks currently in production. Don’t start without one – it’ll probably be your title e.g. ‘Pimp My Bride’ – see, it’s easy.
• Shoot what you know. It’s not smart to attempt things on camera you aren’t familiar with. Kink and fetish themes are particularly dangerous – there are few groups of people as frightening, or unforgiving, as angry geeks with hard-ons.
• Make a shot list. Imagine the whole movie in your head and write a list of everything you need to film. This will become your shot list, and by the time you’ve crossed off every item on it, you’ll be able to start editing without discovering you’re missing a crucial sperm juggling sequence.

Sam’s Swollen Tip: Do your homework. Look at what’s selling and note how many performers and scenes movies like yours contain, how long they run, and the kind of shots they use. If you want a movie that’ll sell, you have to know what’s going on in a very active market. Even breaking the rules means knowing them to start with.

Popularity: 44% [?]

Nick Denton’s feelings about sex are complex.

Heather Green at BusinessWeek has written a great post on blogging. In a nutshell blog posts work best, when, like bowel movements and elections, when they’re easy, brief and regular.

In the article she references Tristan Louis at TNL.net, who got my attention when he wrote:

“…the top three blogs in the Gawker empire (beyond the porn-oriented Fleshbot) are Gizmodo, Gawker, and Defamer.”

Why were they ignoring the porn blog? The wannabe private dick (who’s a sex machine to all the chicks) in me, knew I had to investigate:

"I pulled a cigarette from my hatband, promising myself to never date another dame who wasn’t alive when they bottled my whiskey. Kicking my browser into life I saw that the pageview figures for Fleshbot, unlike those for all the other Gawker sites, aren’t public.

Something smelled fishy, as I had ham for lunch I knew it wasn’t me. The uniforms at the precinct were schmos and the gumshows liked to ask questions I couldn’t answer. I knew I’d have to handle the case of the lost log reports alone. I threw the rest of the whiskey away, enjoyed the burning for a moment, and hit the wires…"

I found the source of Tristan’s information, an interview with Lockheart Steele, the managing editor of Gawker media. Lockheart Steele is the kind of porn name you’d remove from a script for being too obvious, but that’s beside the point. In the interview Steele has  the following exchange:

"Q: Which Gawker Media blog gets the most traffic?

Steele: Would you believe our porn site, Fleshbot? Actually, Gizmodo, our gadget site, is a close No. 2.

Q: Is porn is still the top draw on the Net?

Steele: The guy who does Fleshbot is a genius writer. The whole point of the site is to link to porn in a kind of erudite way. So it’s not as unseemly as it sounds.

Q: Are you saying that people visit Fleshbot for the articles?

Steele: Yeah, exactly. [laughter]"

In the same interview Steele admits the most popular story they’ve ever run anywhere was on Paris Hilton’s Sidekick being hacked – another porn story.

So the guys and girls at Gawker are happy to profit from porn but feel a bit embarrassed to be public about it being the core of their business? Depressingly typical.

I’d guess that the page views for Fleshbot utterly destroy the figures for the other Gawker blogs. People (and you might want to sit down when you read this) are more interested in hot people doing each other than gossip and gadgets.

What’s the moral of this story?

1. Porn looks set to dominate blogging for profit the same way it has the web
2. Never underestimate the appeal of breasts
3. Nick ‘Gawker’ Denton – stop trying to skirt the truth that your biggest profit center is a sex site

Popularity: 29% [?]

This is a metaphor. See what I’ve done here?

Getting into the adult industry is easy (for women). Anyone including your dead grandmother can find someone who will pay to experience their sexuality (burials are easy, cremations are a little more difficult).

There are four reasons people decided to strip, or have sex, on camera.

1. Security
2. Fame
3. Sex
4. Stupidity

They’re the same motivations which drive all human effort, except for dating Tom Cruise which is driven by a publicist’s need to ensure everyone that he’s not gay.

If you’re modeling, launching an adult website, or trying to get into skin flicks you have to make your own mind up why. I’m not going to help you.

Stop crying.

A lot of people have made the choice before you, and anyone who’s spent time in the business can tell you some reasons are better than others. Here’s a brief analysis of the biggies (as my doctor’s so fond of saying).

Security
Financial security is the reason that 99% of people get into the adult industry as talent (performers, regardless of contrary evidence, are referred to as talent).

When you’ve got nothing else to sell and you need money, the jizz bizz can pay in cash on the day you start. You can make a lot of money, and you don’t need no stinking white-man’s GED.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy. Other difficult jobs that require few qualifications and pay well include:

• Airbrushing Jennifer Lopez’s facial hair out of photographs
• Draining liberals of their blood for Anne Coulter to feast on at midnight
• Finding and killing George Bush’s illegitimate children

Security also comes from a sense of place. The adult industry is small. A few thousand people in Southern California represent the majority of it, and most of them know each other (often, but not always, in the biblical sense of the word.)

FACT: There are more astronauts in the US than professional male porn performers.

The porn industry also beat NASA to shooting sex in zero gravity and did it without government funding, or a rocket. The only thing that exploded was Nick Lang.

There is a camaraderie in porn built on shared common experience and outsider status. If you embrace it, the adult industry can provide a uniquely non-judgmental surrogate family who’ll only literally fuck you, leaving the mental fucking over for your blood relatives to continue.

Insecurities are easy to forget in the adult industry. Lack of self confidence is easy to put aside when fans (fans = benign stalkers) send you love letters, marriage proposals and disturbingly large bags of their collected emissions because they adore you. That strangely tacky mail makes you feel good.

Fame
Fame is normally hard earned. It can come from achievement, luck or notoriety.

That’s a problem:

• Achievement requires years of work
• Luck can’t be depended on
• Notoriety too often involves confronting a SWAT team on the six o’clock news

In reality, most people don’t want to be famous. Being famous means not being able to go shopping without being hassled, and having the minute details of your life on public display.

Most of us want to live like the heir to a fortune; doing no real work while living a glamorous lifestyle, going to cool parties and having a name certain people will be impressed by. It’s about being Paris Hilton – minus the blue-contacts, plastic surgery and root-vegetable IQ.

She’s also the exception to the rule of course, a billionaire heiress who chose to make a porn film and then exploit her notoriety (a word she can’t spell or say) and the public’s stunning lack of taste in blondes.

Being in the adult business means instant underground cool, limited fame and sincere adulation. It’s also a chance to find out who’s pretending to be a bohemian and is going to make out with some golfing cretin while you’re on vacation because it’s New Year and I find your job really threatening Sam. What a crock of shit Madeline.

Unlike Angelina Jolie, the most famous woman in porn can dress down, slip back into the crowd and go to the mall when she wants to. Fame on demand is the best kind to have. You can silence anyone hassling you by saying that you’ve only made one movie – an all-transsexual musical set on a riverboat, called ‘The Cleveland Steamer‘.

Sex
The production of gentlemen’s entertainment allows some performers to fulfill certain sexual desires that would be impossible to realize in any other environment.

Those one hundred and twenty men who had dreamed of having sex with Houston, only after she’d had sex five hundred times previously that day, reached for that star on the set of ‘The Houston 620′.

Cum-drunk girls from small towns had a chance to make an instructional DVD about their condition when the director of ‘Teenage Spermaholic’, came calling.

The only unique sexual benefit offered by the adult industry is the chance for wide-scale exhibitionism. Even if you crave being on display, there are downsides to sex on camera.

Everything you see in movies you can do at a swingers club, or after-hours at that Jiffy-Lube on Jefferson (ask for Manny). There’s an increased risk of STD’s and you’re never going to get elected to public office as long as Fox News is still on the air. Worst of all, the mechanical sex performers have on set, stopping to move lights and legs, eventually gets boring for almost everybody.

The softcore end of the adult industry offers no sex at all (but involvement in it means you’ll never be short of offers.)

Sex is a really bad reason for getting into the sex business.

Stupidity
Stupid reasons for making material over which viewers make yoghurt Pollack’s are as common as zits in the McDonalds break room.

A few favorites are:

• “No one will ever find out and I really need the cash.”
• Being pressured by somone else
• To satisfy your self-loathing
• To fund a drug habit
• Because you were drunk
• “Hey Mr! You missed my exit. You said you were driving me to Chicago.”

Getting involved in porn is a decision you can’t undo.

I’ve seen every documentary on porn ever made and been in more than half of them. They’re always about junkies, idiots, abuse, junkie-idiots and abused junkie-idiots. It’s not true. You can be healthy, wealthy and wise and work in the sex trade. You just have to know what you’re getting into, set your own limits and never pay for your boyfriend’s demo. That band’s not going anywhere.

Popularity: 32% [?]