Scary geeks who stalk code have just discovered a new hook which can be appended to the end of any Google search. Thanks to facial recognition technology, Google image search can now ’see’ faces and provide images of them exclusively.

The magic’s simple. Type say… the ‘c’ word into Google and you’ll get the pseudo medical results you’re used to. Add ‘&imgtype=face’ to the end of the URL and you’ll find out who the web thinks the term fits specifically (Lindsey Lohan, Barbara Bush and John Bolton, surprised?)

This will make porn surfing more efficient, you can be sure your images of Jenna are the right Jenna before you click, and should make spamming Google with badly labeled information considerably more difficult. Good for webmasters, good for bloggers, bad for people who don’t label their images.

Your mileage may vary, results range from pretty, pretty to just unfortunate. Who’s the face of ‘insert expletive’ is my favorite new game today.

(N.B. The #1 photo result for ‘porn’? John Ashcroft.)

Popularity: 30% [?]

For all who claimed my criticism of Michelle Manhands Manhart’s tits was unfair, I present a pair of celebrity pair of breasts which, though connected to a woman who would couldn’t coax a dishonorable discharge from my soldier given the assistance of her mouth and mother, are a glorious example of the surgeon’s art.

$10,000 breasts are worth $10,000 because they look free.

Popularity: 68% [?]

Just over a year ago I published the first informal porn-site cross post, then titled the bloggasm, at this very blog. Since then following a name-change, an unscheduled hiatus, a handover to a pair of glamorous and capable assistants, and another forty-nine posts we’ve now reached Sugasm #50 which will publish this week.

Things have grown from a start with just six links to over 60 in #50. The blog now has a few hundred subscribers and getting featured as an ‘Editor’s Choice’ can provide the kind of attention normally reserved for Lindsey Lohan’s genitals on a gossip blog.

Well done us.

Popularity: 59% [?]

Lindsey Lohan’s curves are after-market. Bolt-ons. Not factory equipment. Floaters. Falsies. What I’m trying to say is that at 20, the chick’s had some work.

I know this after looking at a single image, sent to me by a celebrity blogger, who asked for the opinion of a man who’s seen a lot of ‘enhancements’.

So how can I be so sure they’re not real?

• Too round. Though tear-drop shaped implants have been around for years, the ‘half an orange’ style still seems most popular. If you’re going to have breast implants that aren’t breast shaped go all out and make them look like Ferraris, or incorporate a bottle opener.
• Too tight. The skin on real breasts never looks stretched because it grows as the breast does. Lindsey’s look like little soccer balls (I wonder if she’d let me…)
• No cleavage. Real breasts hang together when they get large. Only bras and my face are capable of keeping them apart. When breasts appear full, yet there’s an inch of bony space between them you’re sure to be looking at saline conversation starters.
• Too high up. Lindsey’s avoided that boo-boo. At 20 her originals should have been pretty elevated to start with. Often women place implants so high on the chest you think they must be worried ithat as soon as they fall out of their line of sight they’ll disappear.
• Gravity defying. Real boobs roll off towards the sides of a woman’s chest when she’s lying down. Implants don’t, or if they do move, roll up towards the collar bone.
• Scars. They’re red when new and white when not. If they went in through the belly-button they can be hard to spot.
• Ripples. It’s really bad sign but if the implant doesn’t fit a corrugated effect can be seen around the base.
• Too symmetrical. People aren’t even and breasts are people too. If a woman’s breasts are identical in size she is a witch and should be drowned before sundown.
• Flavor. Lindsey’s breasts just taste different to me now.

Actually, that last comments a joke. I’ve never had sex with Lindsey. Fat chicks don’t do it for me.

That was a joke too. Lindsey’s not fat – chubby’s the word (and I have had sex with her – anal counts right?)

Of course, if you can handle the breasts you’re CSI’ing it’s a lot easier because of…

• The Flashlight Test. Some women in the Jizz-Bizz – mostly the new and dim – try to pass off enhanced breasts as the real thing, so porn-industry scientists devised a definitive way to end the debate. All you need is access to the breasts under investigation, a darkened room and a flashlight. You press the flashlight to the breast, switch it on and observe. A real breast will cover the light just as a hand would. An implant will glow fleshy pink (with cool looking veins and stuff if you’re lucky). It’s totally educational and if I had boobs myself I’d show you a picture. Until someone emails me something you’ll have to trust me.

Finally, if you’re considering surgery I advise you not to. Most women I know with implants wish they’d stayed natural and however insecure you are, your breasts are fine. Bar the occasional fad and big-boob fetishists, the porn industry prefers natural bodies almost universally.

If you are convinced they need help I do offer counseling via email to all those who send photos.

Popularity: 47% [?]