Dita Von Teese.

On Monday I wrote a post called:

Religious Meat – Your Gods Are Coming

When for a few short hours some believed SETI might be about to announce contact with an alien civilization. Then they didn’t, and making it relevant to the jizz bizz was hard (“to understand Eon McKai, one must first understand the concept of alienation…”)

So for hours I tried to work some of these Mike Tyson quotes into a post on porn.

“[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

But material that great you can’t improve on. Even if like Mike:

“My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It’s ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm.”

Then I realized. I have porn fatigue.

It happens once every couple of years. A feeling there’s nothing smart left to say about this sweaty business which blogging’s only heightened. When you shout into the void you want things to change and porn, of late, isn’t changing much at all.

Last week Dita Von Teese hit London for her first public performance and the press went crazy (we Brits are big on tits). I was just depressed. I remember talking to Dita when she was just a shy nude model with a fetish website and a Bettie Page fixation (she gave the impression I was scaring the shit out of her which says a lot given she later married Manson). I thought she lacked charisma and wasn’t that pretty. Now she’s another ambassador for porn who doesn’t really do porn. She’s so non-porn even Hefner likes her. Which means I can’t really make anything of what she does. Especially if I have to refrain from pointing out she’s not so great looking.

Porn’s messing with my mojo (it shot my taste in women years ago – I think Dita’s plain – funny even to me and I said it).

Perhaps I should write about the non-porn pornographers? It’s a start and far more interesting than my travel plans, personal life or stories about funny things that happened while shopping for rugs. I did run into half of Girls Aloud a couple of days ago but all the best bits of that story are too private to mention. Perhaps I need another blog for this stuff…

I’ll be back.

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Fame costs. Do you want it?

Women are the focus, stars of and lifeblood of the jizz bizz. If you want to become an adult performer and were born with a womb there will always be a space for you.

Scud movies, sticky floor clubs and biology websites all celebrate sexual attraction. Your success in porn is closely tied to how you look, how smart you are, talent and the friends you make – in that order.

The adult industry has a healthier attitude towards the gamut of women’s appearance and body types than TV, fashion or movies. Many adult performers are successful despite not standing a chance as a model or actress if judged on looks alone. This is because women in the adult industry enjoy their success thanks to the heterosexual men while actresses and models not the whims of and gay men and self-loathing women.

Contrary to what the press would tell you, though guys see sex appeal and beauty as distinct things we appreciate both. At least that’s how I can explain wanting to go love spelunking with a plastic dolt like Jessica Simpson.

So how do you get into porn?

Firstly, if you’re over 5′7″ tall, zit free and skinny consider the fashion industry. The perks are better and there’s usually more money in it.

Getting a job as a model is the easiest thing in the world. Don’t ever pay anyone to take pictures of you. If you have what it takes people will want to work with you. Walk into the office of any well-known modeling agency and ask for a job. If you stand any chance at all they’ll squeal with delight, put cash in your hand and send you off to put a portfolio together. You’ll have a crappy apartment in New York, a drug habit and Brett Ratner’s phone number by the end of the week.

(NB: If everyone tells you that you’re beautiful, but modeling agencies tell you that you’re too fat ignore it. The fashion industry likes women built like adolescent boys. The 10% with tits become supermodels, but the fashionistas don’t seem to make the connection.)

In fashion and in porn your looks and attitude will broadly decide your future so a brutally honest self-assessment is necessary. Consider the rest of this post tough-love.

Read the advice below any phrase that might describe you and see where you might fit into the business of hot love delivery:

“I’m stunningly beautiful.”

If you’re not a fashion model it’s because you’re under five foot eight. If you over five-foot eight, you’re either not as cute as you think you are or you look like a woman without make-up on (most models look like men until they have a full face of make-up and their breasts showing). Welcome to porn. Take of your pants.

You can make a lot of money doing softcore work. People are just happy someone as hot as you is willing to put their junk on display, you needn’t have sex with anyone. In fact hardcore work will be a waste for you. Once you’re having sex on film the sexual intensity, not the beauty of the performer, is what makes the biggest impact. If you’re not truly freakalicious (and trust me – I’ll know it) it’ll be easier, and more lucrative to leave the sex to people less pretty, and nastier, than you.

You don’t need an agent. When people see your pictures, they will call you.

Examples: Aimee Sweet (ex-Elite Model) and Linn Thomas (the first woman ever to appear as a centerfold in Playboy and Penthouse)

“I’m stunningly beautiful and I live in Eastern Europe.”

Visit your country’s capital city. You will be approached by an American with a camcorder, a hard-on and a desire to put you in porn movies before you have time to ask for your passport back. Say no.

You will have to work hard to avoid being exploited. Don’t believe you need an agent. You don’t need one. Learn enough English to negotiate and befriend some (sober) women in the industry fast.

Contact a few major photographers (start with Suze – she’s among the very best and she won’t exploit you) and then let your photos find your work for you.

You do not need a new American boyfriend.

Examples: Veronika Zemanova, Kyla Cole and Victoria Zdrok

“I’m tall, plain as a brown envelope, and I have an eating disorder.”

You are a successful fashion model. Is that flour on your lip?

“I’m cute but not very sexually adventurous.”

You can either work on the web or have sex on camera. The amateur market has a large space for fun, straightforward man/woman sex. The professional market tends to be more intense.

There’s a big market for sexy non-nude modeling and personality based adult material online. You can do very well with a website – build one.

“I’m an average looking sexual weapons system.”

You can become a huge star. Performers fitting this description are the backbone of the porn industry. You’re probably better looking than you think, and with professional hair and make-up you’d be amazed at what’s possible. Be careful to set your own boundaries and try to resist the urge to get an immediate boob job. Visit Jim South or talk directly to the larger movie companies. An agent could be useful but ask around and choose very carefully (photographers and movie companies will have worked with most legitimate agents and will tell you all the horror stories they know without much prompting).

“I have big natural breasts, (D cup or larger) and I’m not obese.”

You can make money simply by taking your top off. Men are pathetic for big dugs. If you’re cute, you’re an underwire away from a fortune.

Examples: Danni Ashe, Erica Campbell and Jelena Jensen.

“I have big breasts (D cup or larger), but I’m fat enough to be the bastard offspring of Cartman and Rosie O’Donnell.”

You can make money simply by taking your top off. Men are pathetic for big dugs.

“I have big (D cup or larger) bolt-on breasts and I’m not obese.”

You can make good money, but fake tits (also known as floaters – because they float, bolt-ons – because they’re bolted to your ribs and cartons – because they’re man-made milk containers) are not in high demand in the industry. A plastic chest is not the ticket to riches a natural one is.

Don’t get implants thinking it’ll make you more desirable, it works in a bar but in the adult industry it’s unlikely to get you work.

“I am have multiple piercings, a fetish or both a vagina and a penis.”

Curiosities and fetish specialists can do very well. Fetishes are pursued relentlessly by devotees, and there’s gold in catering to them – Dita Von Teese is has built a career on being heir apparent to Bettie Page and the worlds cutest Goth chick. Even if you’re not as pretty as Dita, you can still make some freaks day by sitting on a balloon just how he likes it. He will join your website.

Examples: Dita Von Teese and Kumi.

“I’m bear-repellant ugly, at Halloween people pull my cheeks and try to take my mask off.”

A lot of guys prefer women who seem approachably fugly (not me, I like women so gorgeous I can only meet them on the Internet) but you’d be surprised at how many guys prefer average to exceptional. Look at Bill Clinton. He had eight years as the most powerful man on the planet and he used that pulling power to get oral from a woman who looks like a Shannon Doherty’s mongoloid sister.

The adult movie industry tends to treat people who aren’t good-looking as ‘freaks’ and will expect freaky things. Check out some DVD’s featuring people like you before taking the next step. You might not like how you’re treated.

Opening a website’s a better move. You can win people over with the force of your personality and find your niche. Very few people are hideously ugly and even Paris Hilton, who is, has found fame thanks to a dye-job, blue contacts and a willingness to allow anyone to take an unguided tour of her cathedral like vagina. You can live that dream too.

“I’m under 20.”

Think very carefully before you do anything. There’s a huge amount of prejudice and stigma that adult performers have to deal with. Don’t rush your decision. If you’re determined, try non-nude modeling. You can make money and avoid the stigma of all out ‘porn’ should you decide that’s as far as you ever want to go.

Don’t discount nude modeling or other sex-related work based on prejudice. The adult industry can offer a lucrative and exciting career and in the world outside America (bar the Middle East) being sexual doesn’t mean you’re stupid or a whore. Smart healthy people have been making money in the porn industry for years.

(I’ll stop before I begin to sound like the guy with the Polaroid camera who hangs out at the Greyhound station offering free rides to girls with backpacks).

If you’re unsure where to start, open a website, and remember – when you’re selling your sexuality you don’t need to have sex with anyone to get a job.

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