The Prague Sex Museum

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The great thing abut sex museums is that however much interest you show in some obscure piece of sexual paraphernalia, you can claim to be taking a strictly academic interest driven by natural curiosity, not the weeping erection and hard nipples your clothes are failing to cover.

Purely in the interests of research I spent some time in Prague’s sex museum a couple of weeks ago. It’s not bad at all by the standards of those I’ve seen in Amsterdam and Los Angeles and there are no restrictions on the use of cameras. I’ll admit right-now the best exhibit, a silent porn short which contains the first recorded three-way sex scene, is not represented here. Armed with only a pocket camera and no tripod I was unable to capture a shake-free recording on the video. Even if I had the giggling of the backpackers who didn’t seem to know what to do faced with a humor-free sex movie would have ruined the audio. I looked for it online but found no trace. Getting a better pocket-cam’s on my to-do list and if I ever turn up a copy I’ll post it. The original’s in Spain’s national archive. Some things are still not YouTubeable.

One striking this was the amount of anti-sex stuff on display. The battle between the pro and anti-sex camps is nothing new and if history can serve as a guide is not going away anytime soon. The first thing you see on entering the museum is the anti-masturbation suit pictured here. The tapes are glued to the poor kid’s genitals to make removal of the underwear impossible or deliciously painful, depending on how well you understand fetishism.

I’ve picked out the items which I thought were most interesting, ignoring the endless racks of novelty banana dildos and everyday fetish equipment. Apologies in advance for some of the photographs, my two year old Sony compact is missing anti-shake technology.

Love Seat/Siège d’amour

Made in Paris around 1890, it passed through all the best brothels of its time. One woman lay on the upper part and another the lower while the man involved remained standing – which seems like the polite thing to do – and hammered away at the resultant 4-hole buffet. Positions could be changed or reversed at the participants pleasure.

Erotic Saddle

A prototype made in the 1940’s. Looks impossible to fall off. Or get off for that matter.

Italian Shoes (c. 1930)

Apparently these are ‘Gabriele D’Annunzio Style’. Given the evidence I can only assume he was a Scicilian sex-offender with a tiny cock.

Flushing device (c. 1910)

This enema kit was made before even Bakelite was in common use and came with an ivory nozzle. I’ll grant you it’s not worth killing an Elephant for, but there is something undeniably classy about sticking a piece of ivory up your ass. It’s how I imagine Jenna gets ready for an anal creampie, rectally flushed with the tears of less successful pornstars.

Electric anti-masturbation device

The ring, which goes round the boys cock, closes a circuit if he gets an erection which rings a bell in his parents room. Still in use in Catholic boarding schools – saves constant checking – and clearly invented before Pavlov published his results.

A manual vibrator with interchangeable silver heads

A manual clitoral vibrator

A crank driven vibrator with adjustable vibrations and five working positions

Greek prostitutes sandals

The studs in the soles print ‘Follow my steps’ into the sand as she walks by. Doubly useful because the depth and spacing of the impressions could be used to judge height and weight. Impressions that were deeper at the front indicated a busty hooker, deeper towards the sole – baby got back.

Anti Masturbation Belts. These devices clearly illustrate the range of approaches God-fearing medieval parents could take towards devilish impulses.

Belt 1 looks so easy to undo it’s really begging to be taken off. Superbly, by doing the belt back up again the wearer gets to masturbate and enjoy the guilt-free smugness of being in the belt, and thus not an inveterate wanker, in the eyes of his parents.

Things get more serious with belt 2. This kids parents think his junk poses an equivalent threat to Hannibal Lecter and have decided containment is the only option. Whoever designed it obviously didn’t care much for anatomical correctness unless he had a tiny piece and one massive ball. At least it allows your bollocks to get a little ventilation.

Belt 3 should prompt an immediate call to child-protective services, who at the time the device was in use was personified by the nicest monk in town. The thinking appears to be, “We don’t care if you masturbate, if you get so much as a stiffy we’re prepared to drive metal spikes into your cock. Any questions?”

Zenith vibrator

Sold with a range of different heads to “…stimulate any part of your body.” As long as that part was in your pants.

Electro-stimulators

Devices like the one on the right are still being sold as ‘TENS’ units but the smaller ‘Elektrolex’, which just shocks your stuff without any pretty lights, are now almost unheard of outside Guantanamo Bay. Sex toys with dials on them are cool.

Erotic bench

Found in the Emilia Romagna region of Italy. I’m jealous of whomever had so many parties in which bound nubiles were up for being penetrated while on a see-saw, they had to get a custom piece of furniture built. This device prompted the first recorded use of a “No fat chicks” sign.

Copulation Table

Another piece from the Emilia Romagna region of Italy, this table has a loop which goes around someone’s waist while their legs hang over the edge and their stomach rests on the table. I’m starting to think the guy commissioning this stuff might not have been so worried about consent.

Chastity belts for women

I realize the ass-guards on these are supposed to prevent penetration, but can’t help wondering what they’d do to the shape of your poo. The first photo shows the difference between real chastity belts and play ones.

Magic Box (c. 1700)

This replica of “The magic palanquin” was used during ceremonies, pilgrimages and markets. A mostly naked girl would lie inside and the owner would charge people to look through the holes. Remember the basics so when the apocalypse hits and the Internet goes down you know what to build.

BoobGina

This wasn’t even labeled as it requires no explanation. I love boobs more than the next man but this product of boredom and Thalidomide should never have seen production. Think about the poor Chinese women who have to paint the nipples on these things.

“Dog Boy’s” Fetish Masks

I’m not sure if these are real fetish items or pieces of costuming for Cirque du Soleil’s next extravaganza. It doesn’t matter, I’m getting a bunch of them for my gang.

Copulation machine

The killer things about this machine, aside from that someone actually built it and the lube dispenser aimed at the rearward dildo, is the hand. You’ve got dongs in both ends and lube on tap but to complete the experience the inventor decided to include a back-scratcher. Genius.

Time for a trip to the hardware store I think…