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Kami Andrews.
Kami Andrews was one of the smartest people in porn and kept a fantastic repository of things she heard on set in the ‘Quotes’ section of her site.
Now she’s left porn to help Iran build it’s nuclear missile (I think I’m remembering that right, it was either that or college) her site’s gone and with it her repository. Thus for the sake of mankind, this ‘Barely Legal’ 18th page of the Necropornicon contains the complete, (spellchecked!) Kami Andrews archive.
Read it and mourn the loss of an enema drinking, tampon sucking jizz-bizz legend the like of which we may not see again.
“Can you give me a BJ for the ‘Behind the scenes’ but never tell anyone about it?”
“She’ll be really hot once she hits bottom and cleans up.”*
“Your mistaking this for a work environment where girls don’t eat their own shit, things work differently here.”
“I don’t have to beat every girl I fuck, like if she’s pretty I can just cream pie her ass.”
About a director I almost worked for
“She just wants to make girls cry and she hates Americans.”
“Why can’t you quit.”
“Because it’s fun.”
“How much fun can it be to spend the night alone in a bathroom?”
“I never did coke or speed in a scene till I came to work for you, then when I saw how bad my performance was I decided to never do it again.”
“Well thanks a lot for discovering this after you did my movie.”
“I was watching TLC and I didn’t think it looked like Tender Loving Care.”
“I woke up and I was in the laundry room fucking a black guy.”
“That dog has done more coke than you.”
“Kiss me I have morphine in my teeth.”
“If the beat you up but don’t pay you it’s rape.”
“How much would it cost me to have him tied up and have a few guys cum on him?”
“Your life story would be called ‘When Bubble-Wrap Isn’t Enough’.”
“It’s not that I’m saying your stupid, it’s just that I feel really smart around you.”
“When you choke some one you shouldn’t press so hard in the middle.”
“I know that’s why I did it, don’t worry I could breathe just fine.”
This next batch of quotes is from march 2004 when we had the HIV scare. My friend who is a director was being pressured by her boss to shoot during the quarantine. So we did what anyone would do, got really drunk and tried to laugh about our friends getting a terminal disease. here are the suggestions for the movie her boss wanted to shoot.
“10 Man HIV Slam”
“A good Source of HIV 3″
“HIV in Every Eole”
“No HIV Dodging Aloud”
“Virus in my Mouth Not in my Ass”
“Once You Go Aids”
“G** Has an HIV Problem”
“J****** is an HIV Swallowing Whore”
“I’ve never been inside a vagina since I was born. Maybe that’s the punishment for being nowhere else before. We can even take this subject a step further - many men are in heaven when they are in a vagina. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to a vagina when you die… though maybe life is just the short period in the existence of a human being that s/he spends outside of vaginas, and maybe fucking is just a human tendency to flirt with death?”
“Kami… Maybe you should walk around the block a couple of times before you walk across the street to pee on me… God knows, you need to lose a little water weight…”
“That actually feels really good, not like the other times when i was moaning, then I was faking.”
“Baby when strangers give you unmarked prescription pills when you first walk in don’t take them.”
“By the time the third drug dealer has shown up and left your set you know the shoot is not going to go well.”
“I fell in love and it was a gas… come to find out I had a nose of glass.”
“Your ass opened up like a crater, we all looked away but your friends cheered.”
“My dad heard you yelling at the dildo in the kitchen.”
“It is a mountain of women, and there are only 2 of them.”
“We were done for the scene but then you guys just started peeing on each other.”
On mainstream coke heads: “At least they have a job their parents can be proud of!”
“You would like her, you guys both talk a lot.”
Directed to me: “You could really be, almost, like a real actress.”
“Your not like a girl.”
“He saved $25 but cost me $1500.”
“I need a make up artist for the show.”
“Thats right yours overdosed.”
“Is E**** available.”
“No shes too cracked out.”
“Well fuck.”
“She will trade you coke for the pills.”
“Do you think she will do anal for them?”
“Ok your gonna give the blow job in the dumpster.”
“Wow your ass is like a big hungry mouth.”
“She is your real friend, she hid the toys that you didn’t want in your ass.”
“Damn, a porn chick who has her shit together.”
“My girl broke a window and need glass to fix it.”
“Honey don’t do lines off the floor, every one can see under the stall.”
Justifying my off screen BJ: “I’m the kill fee”
“You call those lines? You should be ashamed.”
“Fuck me till my ass is bleeding, blood is natures lubricant.”
“You were fucking girls at 18?”
“I was fucking my cousin at 10, we just pretend it didn’t happen.”
“There’s no way shes gonna be at the booth in the morning she has a speed problem.”
“Are you kidding, at least she’ll be up, unlike the alkies.”
“I need money for rent”.
“Go fuck someone.”
“I can’t football is on.”
“She tried to have me killed.”
“Ugly people shouldn’t be able to handle food.”
“they can’t make it in the real world. They can’t organize lunch let alone crime.”
“We should do an interracial gardening show called spades and hoes.”
“I don’t think the word “spade” would be well accepted.”
“I’m so over Nicole Kidman.”
“I’m not.”
“Shes a bad role model for kids she has an eating disorder.”
“I’m not a kid.”
“I dreamed we beat her then as she lay there crying we ordered pizza and made her beg like a dog, you felt bad for her so I spit on some crusts and fed her that.”
“Is it asscary or binary?”
“You’re emotionally hard to control.”
“I had to stop taping and send her home cause she cried the whole time, I asked her if she wanted to stop and she said no I need the money.”
“Damn thats hot, can I watch the raw?”
“Is my ass bleeding yet?”
“I suck good dick, thats something I can be proud of.”
“Isn’t that the prettiest ass hole you’ve ever seen?”
To me: “Kami Andrews is a stupid name, you should have a name like Shay Sweet.”
To my agent: “Where are all the blonde chicks.”
“The vibrator slipped lose and got stuck in her ass and she had to go to the ER and have it surgically removed.”
To me: “Your Finished, you’ll never work in this town again.” The funny bit is he had no idea what my name was.
“She couldn’t take my calls cause she has chlamydia.”
“Everyone wants to fuck a midget.”
“The best part is I’m not addicted.”
“I accidently put your speed through the drier.”
“You have a magic Pussy.”
“At first I thought you were blaming me, but then I realized you were crazy.”
“Hallucinations are a normal part of the come down.”
“I do a key for breakfast a key for lunch and then eat a sensible dinner.”
“I can’t do it outside, it’s outside out there.”
“I’m getting into heaven cause I’ll just suck off St. Pete.”
“How did I get this shirt on.”
“I dreamt I was writing down lip gloss colors.”
“That wasn’t a dream that was 5 minutes ago.”
“I just shit my pants.”
“I have flour in my asshole.”
“My ass is self lubrication.”
“I think I have a vicaden addiction.”
“ok lets switch you to valium.”
1 week later “Maybe coke?”
“I can pee on my own face.”
“I had three sport fucks today.”
“I think someone should give the limo driver a BJ, he’s been so nice.”
“Am I the only whore who’s gonna ride the Bull?”
“Coke is cheaper and less addictive than red bull.”
“She spent $25,000 pimping her ride, then it got repoed.”
“Oct is syphalis month!”
“Do your impression of him snorting speed again.”
“I think the airline stole my drugs.”
“You are so pretty, if we were starving and I had to eat you, I would eat your lips first like little fajita strips.”
“I am going to give you an enema, extract it with a turkey baster and feed it to you, OK?”
“How long can you hold your breath?”
“I started with 11 pills and we both had one so there are 6 left.”
“My agent didn’t tell me there would be fisting, is the rate the same?”
“Um… I am pretty sure that isn’t legal.”
“When can I see this movie?”
“It will never be available in America.”
“But the pee pool is hungry.”
“Do not grab my cock while I am holding the camera, it’s fine to grab it, but not while I’m holding the camera.”
“I think someone slipped you something.”
“Why would they do that? I take anything anyone gives me.”
“Why aren’t I working more?”
“Cause your a terrible actress, go home and watch some Taylor Rain.”
As a compliment: “Well don’t you look slutty.”
“Well we were throwing poppers at her when we got this idea…”
Porn chick to a guy with a small dick: “What the hell am I supposed to do with that?”
“Oh thats just not sexy.”
“Who has what in my ass!”
“Um, the producer is missing.”
“When will my movie be out?”
“Well he blew all the money for the movie and only got three scenes.”
“You can have all the dildos you can shove in you!”
“My dick is made of flesh!”
“Bottom line.. will she toss my salad?”
“It’ll be an easy day he has a small cock.”
“Don’t hit him back.”
“Oh. My. God. I have Assne!”
“An attention seeking porn chick, that’s new.”
“I expected to get AIDS but pink eye!”
“Your job is to get the cum out!”
“Her problems come from child molestation, she can’t figure out why she wasn’t molested, wasn’t she pretty enough?”
“There are a lot of things to complain about. Don’t.”
“We need those turkey drumsticks for the third scene.”
“Addiction goes in cycles, used to be alcohol, then coke, now I can’t stop tanning; please don’t ask me to stop tanning.”
“Does blood ever come out of your ass?”
“We thought you looked like shit when you came in but now that you have make up on we want to book another scene.”
“This aint Wall Street kid.”
“You gotta love the whores.”
“I’ll suck off anyone that will take me to Carls Jr.”
From 3 people in one day: “Can I borrow an enema”
Girl to male performer: “If someone tried that with me I would slap him.”
Male performer: “I’m sure he would be shocked if you moved.”
“It’s scary when they make you go night-night.”
“How does your daddy like to fuck you?”
To a porn chick: “What good is your cell phone number, if you can’t remember what bar of the backseat of what car you left it in?”
“Um I hid like 2g from myself and I can’t find it.”
“Leave your shirt off, I don’t wanna have to tip the delivery boy.”
“What’s Root Beer?”
Porn chick: “Is this my balance?”
Kami: “Yes.”
Porn chick: “It says $100.”
Kami: “Yes.”
Porn chick: “I wonder what I spent $23,000 on?”
“Can I lick some coke off your clit? Please?”
“You don’t remember? He actually put the camera down to fist you.”
“Look, it’s cows. You run out with your pants down like you want to fuck them and we will tape it.”
“Open my ass up like a 7-11.”
Kami Andrews to producer: “Thank you so much.”
Producer: “Thank you too my little cock-socket. You are a pleasure to puke-fuck!”
“What we need here… is a stupid little fuck-hole who hasn’t yet heard of me, and would foolishly agree to come up to my room.”
“No man, ecstasy is a chicks drug.”
“You are not the first girl to snort cum.”
“…and he blamed my crew for his legs getting broken, but they were all in prison at the time.”
“I made a joke about the smell being her pussy, but it turns out ***** had just been eating fish in the room.”
“You licked the bottom of his shoe! And I didn’t even have to tell you to.”
“I need you to not pound her so hard so I can get my dick in her ass.”
“Um why is your finger in your butt?”
“Who stole my fucking enemas!”
“You CAN do double anal!”
“You know, if there aint two dicks in a chick I just can’ be bothered to watch anymore.”
“I am so bored that I’m looking for things I can stick in my ass and take pics of to send to my friends”
“We started with white ones, then pink, but we were the only two who took the brown ones and so I think they’re the ones that made us puke.”
“Well that’s just life isn’t it.”
“I wish I had fur so I could pet myself.”
Porn chick 1 “I am terrified that if I fart I may shit myself.”
Porn chick 2 ” Oh my god me to!”
“Keep the lesbian train moving.”
“Say welcome to big boobed lesbian bangeroo.”
“The code word is peachy.”
“I was on set all day and Johnny didn’t try to fuck me!”
“I was there for 20 minutes and no one offered me drugs so I got pissed and left.”
“She doesn’t always have to put it in her butt, I saw her using her nose.”
“Working for ***** sucks! It was only in my ass for like 10 seconds. I actually left the set feeling really horny, like the foreplay went on too long.”
Porn chick 1: “All the guys were really high and lazy in my scene.”
Porn chick 2: ” your lucky ******** actually fell asleep in mine.”
“I am going to have to go three months with out being DP’ed.”
“I want a flashlight in my ass too!”
“So what would you do for a Klondike bar?”
“She isn’t even worthy of throat fucking into submission.”
To five chicks crammed in a club bathroom stall: “Guys, I actually came in here cause I have to pee.”
An agent to a girl: “When I start sucking dick you can start talking”
“Her make up would be perfect if she would just stop five minutes sooner.”
Make-up artist to PA: “I hope you booked some hotter girls, cause I can only do so much.”
Porn chick: “Oops I just pooped on your carpet.”
Camera guy: “Thats why I don’t have a dog.”
While watching playback:
Porn chick: “I was all nervous, but my ass looks great, its so tan and nice, look at it!”
Editor: “That’s not your ass.”
“I am so glad that I have a life style where I can just sit here and masturbate in front of my friends.”
“Do you want to eat the cum out of her ass or off her face?”
“I was gonna not do the scene, cause I was upstairs and I had one of those ‘Oh my God, this is my life and I am a filthy whore’ kinda moments, but once we got fucking I really got into it.”
“I have opinions, but I just assume that they don’t matter.”
“Lets give it to her and see if she eats it.”
“OK that was great, but in the next scene could you let me fuck you, and not buck me off?”
“You’re my toilet paper, do you like being my toilet paper?”
“Yes.”
“I need you to beat my feet.”
“He’s small and I mean in every way.”
“You can try to fist me if you want.”
“Was that blood or lipstick?”
“I wouldn’t fuck her if she was dead for like a week.”
“Yeah I’m pretty suicidal.”
“Interesting, my life is really great right now.”
“Dad always seems to show up when someone is really high or doing an enema.”
“My mom put cat poop on my hands.”
“We cannot do anything to these girls that their fathers or uncles haven’t already done.”
“Nobody cares about the dialog, they just fast forward to see how blown out the whore’s ass is.”
“It’s all fun and games until nobody cums.”
“When you see her, be sure and take her to Taco Bell because that whore needs to eat.”
“If you don’t swallow, don’t bother doing porn.”
Ashley Blue: “They treat girls like eggs. They use up the insides and throw the empty shells aside.”
“In this business somebody is going to take advantage of you, why not us?”
“She’s so white trash. You just can’t wash away that much white trash.”
“That’s not cancer that’s herpes.”
“Let me know when you can get two butt plugs in your ass and I’ll let you squirt in my mouth.”
Porn chick 1 gives tips on looking skinny in pictures
Porn chick 2: “That sounds really dangerous and unhealthy, I’ll try it”
“If your gonna do blow kid, do it for breakfast - you can’t sleep all day.”
“I can’t believe you thought five guys peed on you, it was only three!”
“Do you even remember fucking me?”
“Thank you for having a clean ass.”
In a surprised voice: “You’re not fat!”
“So we have a black midget with a 9 and a half inch cock.”
“I don’t want to hurt you baby I love you” Followed by a smack
Porn chick to producer: “Can I use the bathroom.”
Producer: “Only if I can film it.”
Porn chick: “OK.”
“Hmmm… Not sure who you’re talking about, what was she doing?”
“Fucking you.”
“The customer service of drug dealers has really slipped.”
“Why haven’t I sucked your dick yet?”
“If you are going to surprise me please tell me about it.”
“If you had said you were raped he would have cum in his pants.”
“Its okay to bring up Mom and Dad, but I leave the brothers out of it cause they may kick my ass.”
“Please don’t choke me out.”
“Can we choke you till you are in a ethereal state?”
“Please don’t drink anymore.”
“Its okay, I’m going to pass out soon.”
“Pain is temporary. Film is forever.”
Bailey: “My ass makes me more money than my college degree.”
“You are going to be shitting cum for a week. Its all about the residuals.”
“I’m not sure what’s going on, but I don’t think she’s gonna gape.”
“I was fighting with you all day, I just didn’t tell you.”
“I can’t get my line right if you look at me with those puppy dog eyes.”
“Oh we got lots of girls, the problem is we can’t find a dog.”
“If it makes you feel better I can fuck chicks I don’t want to.”
“We are the only people in the diner talking about our load size.”
“I’m not putting this pipe down till I’m sucking flames.”
“I think I just snorted some ashes.”
When a motorist pulled over to see why Marie’s car was covered in blood
“It’s ok we were just doing a… thing.”
“Who am I again?.”
“Oh don’t stick anything in there yet, or I can’t use the footage.”
“I get all my pills Fed Ex.”
“So I called the cops to have the crazy whore removed from my apartment.”
“I am not used to raping people.”
“I accidentally tasted his cum.”
“You have to be careful not to cum on her busted out ass and whatever you do don’t touch her face.”
“June is chlamydia month.”
“How much do you want to just lick the cum off her face.”
“Would you mind eating your own cum?”
“I’m going to pee in the pool, get the camera.”
“These are the first alien breasts I have touched in 6 months.”
Boyfriend to girlfriend: “Do you want to watch this girl suck my dick?”
Girlfriend: “Yes. I’ll shoot stills”
“Do you need help stretching out your asshole?”
“I can’t suck strangers dick without permission, hang on and I’ll call and ask.”
“Would you give a horse a hand job? Well what about a dog?”
“OK, so you’re a demon and the only thing that can give you life is cum.”
“The best part about working for Wicked is the catering.”
“Did my make up artist do your make up like that?”
“Try to stop grinding your jaw.”
“Can we pee on you? Well can my wife pee on you?”
“I am not going to eat puke out of his asshole!”
“I need to see more tongue actually going in the butt.”
“I need you to suffocate him with your breasts.”
Porn chick to make up artist: “Do you think I’m crazy?”
Makeup artist: “Yes.”
Bathroom attendant: “One lady per stall please”
“Would you like to see my titties?”
“Can you please stop giving her pills.”
“I don’t have the will power to go in that bathroom to pee, if I do I’ll never make it up in the morning.”
Porn chick 1: “I haven’t had a nice poop in 2 weeks”
Porn chick 2: “you never appreciate you poop till it’s gone”
“Hey, come here and look I just made a solid poop.”
“No.”
“Hey I picked you up some flexeril.”
“I need to look them up on the internet and see what they do, I am afraid some of these pills might be affecting my emotional state.”
“You don’t need to look anything up, they are.”
“I took the job.”
“Well make a doctors appointment now, cause your going to need it.”
“Don’t use that toilet paper, the good toilet paper is over there.”
“Good toilet paper?”
“It sticks to your pussy less.”
“I hear your coming to town next week, so you wanna do a bukkake? You know all the cool kids are doing it. Don’t you wanna be cool?”
“Will it make me a star? Will I be famous? Sure I’ll do it!”
“Not only will your name be in lights but your face will be glazed with glop. How can you not come out on top? You know we all want to see it.”
The above is funny, sad and true directly in proportion to how much porn you’ve seen. Personally? I need a hot drink and a hug.
Comment on "The Necropornicon (#18)"
‘, publishers are now buying up the sexual confessions of writers who claim to have been willing participants in trysts which, if public when they happened, would have placed the men they involve on the sex offenders register.
