Jesus themed porn is always worth celebrating however low the production standards or personality filled the participants.

I’m staggered that the producers of “The Cumming of Jizzus” don’t know some Muslim groups will fatweh you ass for shit like this, so enjoy it while it lasts and laugh quietly at their imminent violent death brought to you in part by SugarBank.

Did I say low budget?

“5 days before filming, I was fortunate enough to find a massive roll of white cloth on an industrial spindle down at the local Salvation Army. As soon as I saw it, I knew it’d be perfect for the temple “tent” in our director’s (Chelsea Chainsaw’s) living room.”

Ahh… the theatre.

Found via Metafilter

Eva Green.

A: Women have a shorter shelf-life.

Not very funny but trade the word ‘woman’ for ‘pornstar’ and it’s true.

Call me callow, but given the choice between a healthy, happy normal looking woman with a wicked laugh, and an Eva-Green-alike with the same character I’m probably going to take the hotty. I want a Ferrari more than a Ford. I’m happier with Tag Heur than Swatch, and I don’t think comparing my feelings about women with my fondness for high-end consumer goods makes me a sexist (what’s wrong with being sexy anyway?)

I’m safe in the knowledge I speak for the majority - if you’re the kind of person who think looks aren’t important you’re either gorgeous and stupid, or ugly and bitter. Models will never look like ‘average’ people because average isn’t what we aspire to be, you may as well argue for average artists, athletes or actors. Exceptional people are humanity’s muse and looking at our stupid fat asses it’s clear we need the inspiration.

The people who do best in the jizz-bizz are as far to the right of the bell-curve in terms of looks, charisma and sexual-athleticism as the industry can dredge-up. Unfortunately, given the choice between coke or meth, catwalks or a cock-up-the-ass, rock-stars or suitcase pimps, 99% of beautiful-teens choose the former, mainstream, options limiting porn’s talent pool to those without the talent to act, the looks to model or a voice to sing. A crew of the insane, imperfect and anyone from Eastern Europe who gets naked before they realize there are other more lucrative options.

Tom Hanks used to diet and train but can now hide his 38 inch waist (I know his costumier) behind well cut cloth, corsetry and clever camera angles. Heidi Klum had to work harder before fame guaranteed the best make-up artists, re-touchers and photographers would work to keep her looking 22. For pornsters life gets harder, not easier, over time.

They start working at their peak, unseen and novel. As time passes the pressure to go harder, look better and reinvent increases while the best shooters insist they either work under contract, or abandon them for fresher talent. Each year brings a step down the glamor ladder, another wrinkle and fewer jobs. Looking good isn’t easy under raw tungsten lights, contorted and spread, being screwed by a guy who probably didn’t read the manual which came with his camcorder.

Add a public who doesn’t understand the work put into emulating the mainstream performers most pornsters wished they were, and the real risk that of involuntarily voiding, or tasting, your bowels and you have a pressure on food and body image which makes the modeling world’s fight with anorexia and bulimia look laughably manageable.

It’s then either blackly comic, or worrying, when the public - quickly followed by sleeping pundits everywhere - start talking about how unhealthy Jesse Jane’s looking.

Or how despite endless surgical tweaks Jenna looks as if she could spear fish with her arms.

Or why Naomi’s carrying less fat than a salmon fillet after just a year at the coalface.

It’s no coincidence all these women work primarily in video. Web-based performers tend to be more secure financially and emotionally, avoiding the fear of being dumped, broke and homeless. Having a one-to-one relationship makes it easier for fans to fall in love and thus less likely to move on when they discover their fantasy is mortal. On video the fantasy, heavily pushed by the producers, is all there is.

Porn consumers have been traditionally enthusiastic about a range of body-types but a growing trend towards unhealthy thinness is slowly opening porn to one of the few criticisms it’s previously managed to skirt; the pressure on performers to starve themselves in order to appear ‘normal’ for the genre; a situation the worlds of fashion and film have accepted for decades.

Is this the depressing downside of libertine life? A sign that meth’s the new drug of choice? Proof the rise of gag-intensive blowjobs and dirty ass-to-mouth is making performers scared to eat? Or just an over-reaction to a few thin women?

Kacey.

Well my half sister.

Who I didn’t know I had until my dad told me about a fling he’d had 25 years ago which resulted in… damn… let’s call her Kacey.

We met for the first time over the weekend and the one thing I didn’t expect was to recognize her from a Bang Brothers clip I’ve wanked over on a number of occasions.

My sister’s a porn star. Thank the FSM it’s not you.

Or me.

But this guy? This guys life has just become a bad sitcom. Enjoy or empathize as you deem appropriate. I’ve got to admit I find the whole thing pretty funny.

(found via We are Making Porn)

The best of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them.

This Week’s Picks
Motel Meeting (http://lafillemariee.blogspot.com)
“As always though, coming together for us meant first holding, then kissing, groping, stroking, and suddenly, there we were, as always, naked, lying together, limbs intertwined on DG’s bed under the cozy, thick white duvet.”

My breasts are not safe for work - welcome to the pink ghetto (http://lustylady.blogspot.com)
“I love to find out things about people’s sex lives and thinking about sex that make me see them, and the topic at hand, in a new light, and often I learn about myself that way.”

Richard Evans Lee (http://www.sex-kitten.net)
“An increase in sexual empathy. Being able to put yourself in the other person’s heart would curb everything from infidelity to homophobia.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself (that’s me)
Sexual Chocolate (http://sugarbank.com)

Editor’s Choice
Midnight Conversations at the Tick Tock Diner (http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com)

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

SugarBank’s the proud member of an elite cadre of blogs which has never made the front page of Digg.

It might sound silly, but in which only 123 blogs have more than one reader and aren’t just lists of links to other blogs, being able to write articles picked up by Wired and BoingBoing without getting Dugg is some feat. Even the recent addition of ‘Share This’ links at the bottom of my posts hasn’t broken my perfect record of unwanted isolation.

This isn’t bad luck, it’s skill.

I’m not bothered because I ride alone know why. If you want to join the un-Diggable club the following secrets of my success will help. If you’d rather get popular (how gauche…) doing the opposite might bring you the attention you crave.

Post Naughty Pictures
This is the easiest way to keep the diggs down. Any hint of sexuality seems to expose a common prejudice which equates sexy with stupid. People are so afraid of being associated with adult material they’re reluctant even to vote for it.

Additionally, as sexy images make a page not-safe-for-work, posting them greatly reduces the chances of click-through from sites who label you as such.

Swear
Fucking silly if you ask me, but writing like Hemmingway (is my ego showing?) isn’t seen as a plus among the geeks who control the internet. Confusingly ejaculations of ‘fudge!’ and ‘$#!@!’ don’t seem to bother people old enough to read though such childish obfuscation.

Advertise
Plastering a blog with ads can make it look tacky, but the real turn-off for social networkers is a too clearly expressed interest in making money. Successful Digg exploiters often place ads on their pages only after they’ve caught the public’s imagination. This doesn’t seem to hurt because sneakiness is rewarded.

Write Original Copy
Writing original copy will not get you noticed. Web users respond to words the same way online as they do off and, despite vocally decrying all forms of spam, spamy sounding copy of the “10 ways to…!”, “Secrets of successful…!” and “What they never told you about…!” ilk is precisely what most people notice and share.

A fantastic article capped by a title better suited to The New Yorker than Skymall won’t get seen. A generic list of truisms headed “10 Hidden Daily Show Futurama References” will earn you the cock-snot crown in fanboy heaven.

Challenge Convention
Diggers love controversial content but strong opinions polarize, effectively halving the number of people who will vote for you. If you want to say something bold it’s best to find someone else who’s said it already and link to them. Then you become the hub of the debate, not the representative of one side of it.

Just in case you’re thinking you can call my bluff and get this dugg, here’s a link to some rather lovely midget porn (I can’t lie, I’d hit all 3′10″ and 78 lbs of Bridget) which should guarantee I maintain my unbroken streak. Don’t pretend you’re not going to click it, midget dwarf pixie munchkin goblin small person army men midget porn’s universal.

Luke Ford

Luke Ford does porn industry gossip as well as anyone but holds a narcissistic perspective in which his own life and real news seem interchangeable.

As the most hated journalist in porn taking shots at him is an industry in itself. His dedication to porn over time (some would call it an obsession), coupled to writing which unironically portrays the jizz-bizz as the last refuge of the dammed, makes him the goto guy for mainstream media outlets needing a porn expert.

That’s why what he says matters to anyone who cares about commercial sexuality, and the reason I find the following posting so depressing.

Writing about Holly Randall, a woman who he briefly and very publicly dated, and her decision to enter rehab he reveals a raft of opinions which in addition to his racism (with more here or just pick a page at random), reveal porn’s most visible commentator to be… well read it and weep.

Rehab - What Better Time To Mock Someone?

Reading this supportive thread about Holly Randall’s entry into rehab on the normally vicious Monkey Cage nauseated me. (Update)

Yes, I only want good things for Holly, and I am glad she’s getting support at this time of crisis, but if you don’t give a damn about Holly, what better time can there be to mock her?

I’m tired of this sacred hands-off approach to drunks and other addicts who go into rehab and start twelve-stepping.

What better reason is there to make fun of someone than that they can’t control themselves? If someone spent hours a day on a computer masturbating to porn, wouldn’t it be right to make fun of them? Isn’t “wanker” or “fag” a frequent put down because people realize there is good reason to stigmatize masturbation and buggery? If someone masturbates in public, shouldn’t they be mocked? If a pornographer (or porn journalist or porn lawyer etc) keeps hitting on talent half his age, isn’t that worthy of mockery?

Yes, making fun of people is not nice, but if you are going to mock someone, it is better to do it for their moral failings than for things they can’t help (such as their looks or intelligence).

I don’t believe that people are biologically compelled to hurt others needlessly, to drink to excess, to take drugs, and to have gay sex. I believe we have free will and we are responsible for our choices.

I’m sick of hearing that people are born gay. Yes, it may be true, but then every man is born a sexual predator, a rapist and an adulterer. It is not natural to men to restrict their sexual expression to their spouse just as it is not natural for some men to restrict their sexual expression to the opposite sex.

So big deal. I no more feel sorry for the homo who can’t screw around with the lads than I do for the 50-year old married man who’s sad he can’t bang high school girls.

I’m sad when I can’t bang some delicious 16-year old girl but I don’t whinge about society repressing me.

I’m not claiming I am better than a drunk or a druggie or a poofter. I overflow with disgusting urges. I yearn for attention (though I’d prefer to call it ‘recognition’). I am lazy. I am callous. I am selfish. I allow my sexual urges to overcome my good sense.

In high school, I developed a gambling addiction.

But in the end, it is up to me to do the right thing.

While all of us have genetic predispositions towards destruction, in the final analysis, it is up to our free will.

There is a Judge and there will be Judgment.

Aside from the minority of people who are just born happy, I don’t understand how people can be happy without organized religion.

I don’t know much about drunks and druggies because I never had any as friends until Holly. But being with someone who’d never been inside a church or synagogue, I realized the things that religion gives that I had taken for granted:

* It instills discipline because you have to constantly deny yourself for God/community/etc.

* It provides you with community to monitor your behavior. It is a lot easier to convince yourself that what you are doing is OK than to convince your religious community (Dennis Prager).

* It gives you purpose. It gives you tons of things to do when you get up in the morning. (One reason that evangelical Christians devote so much time to proselytizing is that their religion lacks rituals and thus they have nothing better to do with themselves than bother people.)

* It provides the accumulated wisdom of thousands of years of a tradition. There have been a lot of smart rabbis who know more about life than I do. I learn from them.

* It provides structure. Religion dictates that you must set aside time for fun, for study, for family, for community, for work (not only do the Ten Commandments say you must rest one day a week, they command that we work six days a week).

* It provides rituals which give life rhthym and depth. A week without a Sabbath is like music without climax and poetry without meter.

Porn contains few real journalists, people prepared to risk party invites for the sake of a story, Luke’s long been significant as one of them. Given pieces like the above it appears he’s finally reached a point where he’s unable to report without promoting his own floral opinions.

It’s a sad day. Without reporting we can trust all we have left is fandom and propaganda. Where’s all the great porn writing?

“Pretty much everyone I ever meet tries to fuck me. I don’t know if it’s because they think I’m attractive, or they want to tell their friends they’ve fucked ‘The World’s Most Famous Porn Star’” - Jenna Jameson

The Onion consistently produces the best satire in any form (arguably South Park matches it hit-for-hit). Written by misanthropes porn is often mentioned and parodied and beautifully, unlike those who cop-out and approach porn as a faux outsider with an ‘Isn’t it weird?’ attitude, The Onion consistently makes jokes that are funnier the more you know about the industry.

After much re-reading of their archives, here’s my list of the five best pieces of porn satire they’ve ever done.

1. Nation’s Porn Stars Demand To Be Fucked Harder
   Chosen because:
   Before stunt porn made large insertions and degradation the bar against which porn movies are judged, hard-fucking was what it was all about. They correctly attached Jenna Jameson to ‘Wicked Pictures’ (at time of writing) proving they knew what they were talking about - even cooler.
2. Ironic Porn Purchase Leads To Unironic Ejaculation
   Chosen because:
   I’m the guy who’s always asked to bring the porn to stag parties ‘for a laugh’, who’s then asked if I have anything harder when the copy of ‘Fuck My Dirty Eyelids’ I arrive with is derided for being too pretty.
3. Porn and HIV protection
   Chosen because:
   Almost all the deliberately humorous steps they suggest for preventing the spread of HIV have been seriously suggested, while the second to last suggestion would actually work, and is thus also the funniest. Pure genius.
4. Actress Leaves Porn Past Behind With New Cinemax Erotic Thriller
   Chosen because:
   Sometimes you only need a headline.
5. Part Written Specifically With Sylvia Saint In Mind
   Chosen because:
   Until you meet the people who write a porn movies for a living, it’s easy to believe they’re in on the joke and don’t take their work seriously. Then, as they tell you Madonna ripped off their last gonzo flick for video ideas and that Finnegan’s Wake is the basis for their latest opus, you realize only stabbing the cretin in the neck is going to stop the asshole from breeding little tard-babies named Jack and Bauer.

I had a busy weekend. With Viagra available over-the-counter in the UK I spent a lot of time in bars spiking drinks and laughing. Normally I’d try to blog a bit too but, as reading numbers always drop significantly at the weekend and I’m fundamentally a lazy prick, I haven’t in recent weeks.

Is this the right call? I know there will always be fewer readers at weekends but do you guys appreciate weekend smut blogging or not? Hit me with your strongly held opinions now or just whine quietly and unsubscribe (I’d rather you chose the former).

I’m listening.

The best of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them.

This Week’s Picks
Black Tie Optional; Cleavage Required. (http://middleurge.blogspot.com)
“It had been so long since she’d worn something like this, I had to keep checking in and making sure she was really comfortable with appearing in public looking this… well, sexy.”

Don’t Be A Blog Playa (http://marketingwhore.naughtyblog.net)
“Blogging is often treated like dating, where folks fall in love with setting it up, posting some ramblings, and when no one gushes and fawns all over them, they move onto the next one.”

Eclectic Slut part one (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)
“As we lay, limbs entwined and tangled, realising that we couldn’t stop touching each other even for a second, the conversation returned to one we’d started earlier… about control and submission.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
5 Ways to Keep Your Blog Off Digg (http://sugarbank.com)

Editor’s Choice
The Shirt… (http://ellesnovellas.blogspot.com)

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm