My mailbox is stuffed full of free porn. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but most of it’s crap I didn’t ask to see. Someone decided blog reviews are excellent free publicity and now I’m being aggressively courted – a phrase which must have been invented by a lawyer defending a rapist. In case you’re thinking I might be a useful part of your marketing campaign, here are a few pointers regarding what to send.
Include bribes
Music journalists get free records, concert tickets and the pick of any rejected groupies, film journalists travel first-class to press junkets in exotic locations and radio DJ’s get cash. A porn DVD/press-release package isn’t that exciting. While free CD’s often get played, the odds on me ever viewing a porn DVD more than once is nill so be creative and include something I might actually value. I’m very corruptible.
Don’t refer to women as whores
I’ve made the point before but referring to the women in your movie as ‘ass-whores’, ‘dirty-whores’ or the classically redundant ‘fuck-whores’ is just bad marketing. Reminding me that your performers will screw anyone for fifty cents and a bag of grapes is as unnecessary as labeling a politician ‘ruthless’ or a sitcom ’shit’. Give me a reason to want to see these people having sex other than they’re whores who fuck for money. What’s more exciting? Whores screwing for cash or hot nuns fucking for fun? That’s right, tell me the women in your movie are nuns.
Don’t claim anything in your movie is ‘Insane’
What does ‘Insane action’, ‘Insane hardcore’ or ‘Insane anal’ mean? Insane people are more likely to use an axe than a penis because insane means ’seriously mentally ill’. If I wanted to watch mentally impaired people fuck I’d go to Burning Man. Retarded is not sexy.
Learn grammar
I’m looking at a box which proclaims ‘VCA top selling title of 2006′. Really? Top #1 video movie film! Most excellent fucking for chief happy sexy time!!! Who proofs your shit VCA Borat? Christ. This isn’t an email or blog post we’re talking about, it’s a fucking box cover, printed once and committed to history. Words fail me but that’s okay, when they fail you it makes you look stupid.
Have a clue
Did Whitesnake’s “Is This Love?” video represent the apex of sex on screen? Does everyone always have to wear hotpants, miniskirts and lycra? Porn films are like James Bond movies – they hold few surprises. When James meets a Russian vagina scientist we know he’s going to fuck her and then she’s going to die. Porn’s as predictable but misses a budget which stretches to men with metal teeth, amphibious car and teams of henchmen running around in coordinated jumpsuits. Porn catches up by including more explicit sex with less attractive women but blows it by making everything outside the sex as predictable as the sex itself. Oh, she’s just some woman you met on the street is she? Well let’s see a few of the ones who tell you to fuck off when you try to pick them up or alert the nearest police officer. Show me a woman in beige colored underwear who’s not wearing her good panties because she didn’t think she’d be fucking her supervisor when she dressed for work. Give me a reason to pay attention and then don’t allow a monkey with a MacBook to reduce your edit to: face-shot, cock-shot, cum-shot, repeat.
Thank you for listening. I appreciate it.
(NB: Wondering what I do like? I’ll be talking about the only recent movie to have floated to the surface of the pile of excrement I’ve been polluted with later this week.)
Popularity: 37% [?]
Don’t refer to women as whores
I’ve made the point before but referring to the women in your movie as ‘ass-whores’, ‘dirty-whores’ or the classically redundant ‘fuck-whores’ is just bad marketing. Reminding me that your performers will screw anyone for fifty cents and a bag of grapes is as unnecessary as labeling a politician ‘ruthless’ or a sitcom ‘shit’. Give me a reason to want to see these people having sex other than they’re whores who fuck for money. What’s more exciting? Whores screwing for cash or hot nuns fucking for fun? That’s right, tell me the women in your movie are nuns.
Agreed! Jeez, haven’t these people heard of a thesaurus, or at least enough subtlety not to imply that these women would screw, as you said, for fifty cents and a bag of grapes? Looking at the majority of titles I see press releases for… I’d guess not.
“What does ‘Insane action’, ‘Insane hardcore’ or ‘Insane anal’ mean? Insane people are more likely to use an axe than a penis because insane means ‘seriously mentally ill’. If I wanted to watch mentally impaired people fuck I’d go to Burning Man. Retarded is not sexy. ”
Not to nitpick, but insanity is actually a legal defense meaning they weren’t in a state of mind to know right from wrong, not a psych term and not necessarily mentally impaired. So in some ways, that makes it more amusing… can you imagine giving these tapes to judges to determine if the people were not of sound mind to know that they were doing the wrong thing? Though the judge would probably get as much out of it as you seem to imply you do. “Oh look, more porn. How run of the mill.”
Anyway, I pretty much agree with the rest of what you write. The porn industry really needs a overhaul of some sort.
“Show me a woman in beige colored underwear who’s not wearing her good panties because she didn’t think she’d be fucking her supervisor when she dressed for work.”
Good panties? Nice-not many men know we women categorize our panties.
I’ve had guys ask for my panties. And if it’s a favorite pair, there’s no way am I giving them away.
Chris – Most people in porn think a Thesarus is a dinosaur so I don’t hold out much hope…
Meghan – You’re a law student right? Just a feeling…
Vix – what can I say. I’m learning…
Actually, I’m a psychologist. So I’m on the other end of my comment.
Is this still running? I want to get this book!
http://sugarbank.com/2005/11/22/free-handbooks-for-bloggers-are-in-the-mail/
Meghan – I stand corrected. I just use ’spastic’ to refer to anyone who I don’t want to talk to. It’s both technically accurate and appropriate…
Totally agree with everything you say.
Trying to find any porn that is in anyway innovative is very difficult. It all seems to be the same, especially the stuff that comes from the mainstream studios like Vivid. Vivid are a real bug-bear for me as most of their female models seem stuffed full of silicone with perfect tanned skin. I like the women I see to be desirable and, potentially, obtainable. I much prefer the stuff that comes out of Private, Seventeen or the other European producers. They are by no means perfect but at least they try (and European models are less likely to have fake tits).
I’m not into these “extreme” subjects that try to market themselves as something new. What is erotic about being able to stare down some woman’s gaping asshole, not a pretty sight. I don’t need to see a woman with a baseball bat in her pussy, just a nice, normal cock.
I watch porn to be aroused and, occasionally, amazed. I also want at least a semblance of a story line behind the movie, even if it is pretty basic. Just watching two, or more, people fuck with no context of why, just doesn’t do it for me.
Give me a natural model in a natural situation fucking in a natural way and I, and my cock, will be very happy.
L&K
EE
Porn is boring. The other night I watched “The Key” with Stefania Sandrelli looking better at near 40 than she did in “The Conformist” 15 years earlier. Little was left to the imagination, but that was fine. Put in real sex, and it’s perhaps one of the hottest movies ever.
get me on your mailing list.
pletty naughty.