Chris Griffin.
The last in a short series of interviews with a typical American family regarding their feelings about, and use of, pornography.
Name: Chris Griffin
Age: 14
Sam Sugar: Hi Chris. Thanks for your time.
Chris Griffin: You have my time? GIVE IT BACK TIME STEALER!
Sam Sugar: Chris, you’re misunderstanding me.
Chris Griffin: Are you my friend now?
Sam Sugar: Do you know what pornography is Chris?
Chris Griffin: Is it a science?
Sam Sugar: No.
Chris Griffin: Is it on TV?
Sam Sugar: Sometimes Chris, yes.
Chris Griffin: Can I eat it?
Sam Sugar: Can you eat something on TV?
Chris Griffin: I CAN EAT WHAT’S ON TV? REALLY!?
Sam Sugar: No Chris.
Chris Griffin: WHY ARE YOU TEASING ME?
Stewie Griffin: I say. Stop toying with the fat boy. If all that adrenaline ruins his blood chemistry I’ll have to start again.
Chris Griffin: TWO VOICES! WHICH ONE ARE YOU!?
Sam Sugar: Chris, that’s not me. Who is this and what experiment?
Stewie Griffin: Stewie Griffin, experiment IV, and who the devil are you?
Sam Sugar: I’m Sam Sugar, I’ve been interviewing your family about pornography but I don’t have your name on my list of interviewees.
Stewie Griffin: That womb-toting harridan Lois no doubt seeks to silence me by erasing my very existence from history, but I will not be silenced you hear me?
Sam Sugar: You’re obviously very articulate Stewie, do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions about your experience of pornography?
Stewie Griffin: Pornography? That transparent pastiche of lust writ large for tiny minds whose only depth is that of their peversity? The poorly edited rutting of double-wide spawn whose idea of rebellion is a Chinese tattoo which reads ‘Appetizers’ and a bleached rectum? The Pizza boy gets sex-tip inanity of stories written by those too stupid to write animated-sitcoms and performed by those too lacking in talent to be mimes?
Sam Sugar: That’s the stuff.
Stewie Griffin: Can’t get enough of it.
Sam Sugar: What do you like.
Stewie Griffin: Well anyone with taste has to appreciate the carnal majesty of Rocco Siffreddi and, just between friends of course, I’ll admit to having a devilish fondness for T.T. Boy and some of Joey Silvera’s wilder adventures. Of course when I’m feeling very, very naughty I might even seek out a little Brandon Iron.
Sam Sugar: You mentioned a lot of male performers, who are your favorite females?
Stewie Griffin: Women? Sure. Of course. I, I love me some of that poon-tang. Yes, that’s it. I can’t get enough of those kitty cats. I love them all. All them… bitches.
Sam Sugar: Anyone in particular?
Stewie Griffin: Umm… Is, is Christina Aguilera a porn star?
Sam Sugar: Pretty much. Are there any niches you prefer?
Stewie Griffin: Preferred sub-genres within the sexually explicit cul-de-sac? Fascinating question. Well there’s a place in Mexico where you can see a… Well, let us just say the lady involved embarks on an equine exploration for the benefit of interested bystanders! Fascinating and educational.
Sam Sugar: Where did you get a video like that?
Stewie Griffin: The internet. Are you a cretin?
Sam Sugar: Do you have a favorite piece of porn?
Stewie Griffin: It’s a toughie but I’d have to say… “Leonard’s Part is 6 inches.” I love the Cos.
Sam Sugar: I’ve not seen that.
Stewie Griffin: Cosby claims it’s a look-a-like but the word on the street is that the brothers got a wild streak a mile wide and twice as deep you digg?
Sam Sugar: I’ve heard similar stuff myself. For reference how old are you Stewie?
Stewie Griffin: I’ve gotta be… damn time flies… comin’ up on the big… two.
Sam Sugar: Okay this interviews over.
Stewie Griffin: Damn you man! You cannot bottle my invective and I will have my say. You think I’m scared of you Mr. Sugar!? Cross me and the only sweetness in your future will be your miserable name you hear you ignorant European! You know what a Euro’s worth? About two bucks! Aha! You see! A Joke. Oh yes I can silence you with my wit or crush you beneath the jackboot of my intellect without pausing for breath. Kneel! Kneel before Stewie! VICTORY WILL BE MINE!
A tour de farce, your best yet! I laughed, I cried, I laughed again! Thank you, Thank you, thank you!
The poorly edited rutting of double-wide spawn whose idea of rebellion is a Chinese tattoo which reads ‘Appetizers’ and a bleached rectum?
Haha - classic.
I’m a producer from Israel, I’ve been following the whole series and your blog for quite a while now.
I must say - this is the best post yet!
The punctuality of the characters from the show is unbelievable!
Keep up the great postings, I’ll be sure to keep reading and comment more often.