An Illustrated Guide to Nude Modeling

I’m the least photogenic human on earth. Images of me on camera make my membership of the human race debatable. This weekend I sat on a boat with a wild seal on my lap and people who’ve seen the photo keep referring to it as ‘that picture of the seals’ despite there only being one in frame. Though foxy, I’m no model.

Good models knowing how to pose, their best angles, and how to distort reality so they end up looking better digitized than they ever could in person. They learn that corsets hold tummys in, arms raised above the head lift breasts and bending over tightens butts. They don’t eat much at lunch and they show up on time. Supermodels know all this and are good-looking too (being plain never stopped anyone from modeling).

Most model learn to pose by trial-and-error but I don’t advise it, I tried it myself with advanced rocketry and killed a lot of people. As someone who last week looked at over 8,000 pornographic images (I wish I was joking), and who’s been on hundreds of photo sets, allow me to provide a guide to a few of the classic softcore poses:

The Cradle

Technique

1. Place one, or both forearms across the chest as if holding an infant.
2. Replace imaginary infant with breasts.

Theory
The frame created by the arms supports large breasts, increases the perceived size of small breasts, covers protruding stomachs and hides ‘enhancement’ scars. It’s an easy way to capture the benefits of wearing a push-up bra while leaving the nipples exposed.

Comments
When used with implants this pose can exaggerate bolt-on roundness and make fake breasts look excessively ‘citrus-fruity’

The Corkscrew

Technique

1. Face away from the camera.
2. Turn towards camera, without moving feet, until breasts are visible/spine snaps.

Theory
The corkscrew satisfies observer’s desire to ogle both breasts and butt simultaneously. Evolution, logic and pain be damned.

Comments
The larger the breasts involved the less torso twisting required. The erotic effect of the pose can be negated if the pain caused by violent twisting is readily apparent.

The Double Clamp

Technique

1. Squeeze both nipples with fingertips.
2. Look naughty.

Theory
Though most women report that having their nipples squeezed is at best an occasional pleasure, the idea that nature’s faucets are happy-buttons which respond directly to pressure is too appealing an idea to let go of.

Comments
Despite the single nipple clamp being easier and more common, the double underscores the idea that nipple squeezing is so much fun that all female masturbation includes plenty of it.

The Peekaboo

Technique

1. Pose with vagina visible.
2. Using both hands, hide the slice.

Theory
The sister-pose to ‘The Grab’, ‘The Peekaboo’ manages gilds otherwise unapologetically in-your-face poses with demure reticence. Hands must completely cover bush in order to avoid Fark listing.

Comments
Only ‘SFW’ if no suggestion of digital insertion is present. ‘Ecstasy’ faces therefore verboten but ‘You got me!’ smiles fine.

Sorry Occifer

Technique

1. Drink at lunch
2. Fall off couch. Sexily.

Theory
This pose allows gravity to make any model’s breasts appear fuller than they are when she’s standing up. Unfortunately the effect requires an orientation only assumed by women crawling away from predators before a Roofie renders them temporarily paralysed.

Comments
Hard to combine with exposure of high-value targets like the nipples, butt crack or vagina. Any blinking makes the model appear comatose.

The Gene Simmons

Technique

1. Stick tongue out.
2. Feign ecstasy.

Theory
In recognizing the tongue in its part time role as a sex organ this pose also perpetuates the myth that any woman who sticks her tongue out is probably a nymphomaniac hungry for your pork lollipop (pork-sicle?).

Comments
Outside my own dark dreams no woman’s ever stuck out her tongue in the hope of attracting someone’s attention because, despite looking great, being treated like a human ice-cream is less satisfying than being treated like an ice-cream shake.

Got Milk?

Technique

1. Close curtains.
2. Attempt to suck own nipple.

Theory
Limited to women with very large breasts and/or prehensile tongues, models who can successfully perform ‘Got Milk’ are an exclusive crew. Though Freud would differ, if men do view all objects with the questions ‘Can I eat it? Can I fuck it?’ in mind (Bobby Slayton), ‘Got Milk’ presents a perfect synergy of man’s base desires.

Comments
Very hard to make appear casual. Fake breasts often make direct nipple to mouth contact impossible. The occasionally seen consumption of own breast milk raises troubling philosophical/cannibal issues.

The Grab

Technique

1. Get tits out.
2. Grab tits.

Theory
Like ‘The Cradle’ this pose can be used to make the most of breasts which would otherwise be best presented in a bra. Frequently employed by models with unsightly nipple scars after enhancement surgery and men, accompanied by a cheery ‘Wah-hey!’ while their partner stands at the sink.

Comments
Along with ‘Got Milk’, and ‘The Double Clamp’ this pose represents the only three things you can safely do with breasts in a crowded cinema. The bigger the breasts, the more impressive the shot.

The Wedgie

Technique

1. Firmly grasp underwear, rope, fairy-lights or other object between legs.
2. Pull.

Theory
Ummm… Well, by putting pressure on the general lady-area the model creates… a feeling of… fuck it. I have no idea.

Comments
This is just stupid (even if you look like Nella). One for camel toe websites only.

Advanced Techniques

Technique

1. Forget your pride/Pop pill.
2. Emote.

Theory
Advanced poses combine standard techniques, props and each model’s specific abilities to produce unique WTF! moments. The line between advanced poses and bloopers is perilously thin.

Comments
When models get bored or become dangerously over-confident poses emerge that, free from conventional notions of sex-appeal, are the atonal Jazz of glamour modeling and which can be just as hard to endure.