Lindsey Lohan’s curves are after-market. Bolt-ons. Not factory equipment. Floaters. Falsies. What I’m trying to say is that at 20, the chick’s had some work.
I know this after looking at a single image, sent to me by a celebrity blogger, who asked for the opinion of a man who’s seen a lot of ‘enhancements’.
So how can I be so sure they’re not real?
- Too round. Though tear-drop shaped implants have been around for years, the ‘half an orange’ style still seems most popular. If you’re going to have breast implants that aren’t breast shaped go all out and make them look like Ferraris, or incorporate a bottle opener.
- Too tight. The skin on real breasts never looks stretched because it grows as the breast does. Lindsey’s look like little soccer balls (I wonder if she’d let me…)
- No cleavage. Real breasts hang together when they get large. Only bras and my face are capable of keeping them apart. When breasts appear full, yet there’s an inch of bony space between them you’re sure to be looking at saline conversation starters.
- Too high up. Lindsey’s avoided that boo-boo. At 20 her originals should have been pretty elevated to start with. Often women place implants so high on the chest you think they must be worried ithat as soon as they fall out of their line of sight they’ll disappear.
- Gravity defying. Real boobs roll off towards the sides of a woman’s chest when she’s lying down. Implants don’t, or if they do move, roll up towards the collar bone.
- Scars. They’re red when new and white when not. If they went in through the belly-button they can be hard to spot.
- Ripples. It’s really bad sign but if the implant doesn’t fit a corrugated effect can be seen around the base.
- Too symmetrical. People aren’t even and breasts are people too. If a woman’s breasts are identical in size she is a witch and should be drowned before sundown.
- Flavor. Lindsey’s breasts just taste different to me now.
Actually, that last comments a joke. I’ve never had sex with Lindsey. Fat chicks don’t do it for me.
That was a joke too. Lindsey’s not fat - chubby’s the word (and I have had sex with her - anal counts right?)
Of course, if you can handle the breasts you’re CSI’ing it’s a lot easier because of…
- The Flashlight Test. Some women in the Jizz-Bizz - mostly the new and dim - try to pass off enhanced breasts as the real thing, so porn-industry scientists devised a definitive way to end the debate. All you need is access to the breasts under investigation, a darkened room and a flashlight. You press the flashlight to the breast, switch it on and observe. A real breast will cover the light just as a hand would. An implant will glow fleshy pink (with cool looking veins and stuff if you’re lucky). It’s totally educational and if I had boobs myself I’d show you a picture. Until someone emails me something you’ll have to trust me.
Finally, if you’re considering surgery I advise you not to. Most women I know with implants wish they’d stayed natural and however insecure you are, your breasts are fine. Bar the occasional fad and big-boob fetishists, the porn industry prefers natural bodies almost universally.
If you are convinced they need help I do offer counseling via email to all those who send photos.
“Real breasts hang together when they get large. Only bras and my face are capable of keeping them apart.” -
Hahaha, too funny. (But also, very true). (The first one, anyway; for the second one, I vote for pictoral evidence).
Thank God! I thought I was the only male left that could tell real from fake, and that preferred real small ones to fake big ones!
That said, now answer the million dollar question: Danni Ashe! Either this is the only 30/40ish woman in the world whose breasts never fell, or that is one amazing boob job!
The Girl - Volunteers email me immediately.
Aurelius - Danni Ashe is a good friend of mine and she’s the woman who taught me pretty much all I know about boobs (including the Flashlight Test). I can tell you her 32FF frame is entirely natural. She only removes her bra for ‘Showers, sex and swimming’. The only way busty (or any) woman can stay perky is by keeping gravity at bay with a well fitting bra. Funnily enough you see a lot of women with smaller breasts who loose their boobular tone young because they often go braless. Women with larger dugs, who tend to wear bras more often, can often beat the odds.
Thanks Sam! I’m glad to hear it. This sort of revives my faith in human nature.