How to Work With Eastern European Models

Kyla Cole.

I’m lucky enough to live in Latvia for large chunks of time, and it’s home to some of the most beautiful women I’ve ever been rejected by. The preponderance of natural blondes, natural tits and six-footers means more-and-more of these women are entering the jizz-bizz for the obvious reason. In a country where the average wage is $1.40 an hour, $300 for 2 hrs of tits-out is insanely good money.

And of course, many of them look like this:

(My, platonic damnit, friend Veronika Zemenova)

As I’ve discovered, Eastern European women aren’t like women in the west, so if your travels through the jizzosphereâ„¢ bring you into contact with some ‘Natashas’, here are a few pointers.

• They’re better educated than you. In countries with languages only their population speaks, your average citizen under thirty will be fluent in two, and have skills – which if attained by a Westerner would be declared as fluency – in a couple more. The girl who works in my local bakery speaks fluent Latvian, Russian, English, German and French, is pretty, smart, 20 years old and works in a fucking bakery. Don’t condescend, you have no right to.
• They don’t smile. If you ask a Russian how their holiday was they’ll say “I’m glad to be back.” They are not a jolly people. Smiling at Russian women makes them look at you as if you’re doing impressions of kids with Downs Syndrome. To them laughter’s a sign of weakness and a funny joke is about being fucked by the government. Leonard Cohen is huge here. Don’t let it throw you, just look them in the eye and channel your inner Trent Reznor.
• They have odd views. In Latvia calling black people ‘neeger’ isn’t considered offensive. Nor is throwing rocks at homosexuals (I wish I was exaggerating but it happened a couple of months ago and then the President said that homophobia was impossible because there were no homosexuals in the country). If you want to have a political conversation be prepared to listen to some erection-wiltingly misguided opinions. Better yet – don’t.
• They don’t like guys who drink vodka. Every Eastern European woman has a number of men in her immediate family who think vodka’s a food group. The shortest route to all her daddy issues is via a bottle of Smirnoff (which she’ll laugh at in favor of a real vodka like ‘Russky Standart’). Semen with a similar composition to the centre of a liqueur chocolate is what she’s running away from, so try not to get drunk in front of her.
• They’re easy to pick up. Don’t let the frown fool you. Russian women say there are three types of guy, “Poor man, drunk man and evil man.” – a lot of them are looking for a way out (professional or romantic) and are hoping you’ll be sober, wealthy and nice.

On reflection this sounds like advice better suited to dating than working relationships, but let’s face it, who doesn’t want to date hot models with cute accents?

Popularity: 41% [?]