How to Get a Killer Lapdance

I used to work for a stripper, when her career in the clubs was over and she was a self-made millionaire who only took her clothes off in studios she owned, staffed by photographers she employed, shooting cameras she bought.

Spending time in and out of stripclubs with her (and alone while working for her – it was a pretty great job) taught me more about stripclub etiquette than a million drunk guys ever could. Strippers talk to other strippers honestly, and through careful listening I became expert. A lapdance jedi.

Since returning from Vegas I’ve heard a lot of stories from guys who thought that the convention was taking place in the Olympic Garden (it was actually in Cheetah’s) and who are now trying to reconcile how much money they wasted using their strip-club dollars inefficiently. To spare them (and you) a lifetime of wasted money, I’m going to share a little of what I know, good bad and fugly.

White Hat Lapdance Optimization Techniques

The guys who have the best times in strip clubs are celebrities. The guys who have the second best time in strip clubs are the ones who make stripper’s lives easy. Here’s how.

• Order food. Stripping’s hard work, with long shifts and dancers are often hungry. If you have finger-food or pizza at your table they’ll hang out to eat and think you’re a nice guy into the bargain. Being liked means better dances (being licked means the dance of your life).
• Tip big. Strip club customers are walking ATM’s as far as dancers are concerned. Tip big early on and you’ll send a clear message there’s money to be made in spending time with you. Doing that means tipping more than average - 40-50% on your first dance should be enough to get a dancer’s attention (I never said this was cheap).
• Don’t touch. Most American clubs ban touching (travel abroad for more intimate interaction). If you sit on your hands your dancer will feel confident to push things, she knows that you want the sexiest time possible. The less excited you seem the harder she’ll try so relax. If you’re trying to penetrate her with your knee she’ll spend more time fending you off than getting you off.
• Make eye contact. Her eyes are the two white dots a foot or so above her tits. Look there occasionally and she’ll remember you know she’s a person.
• Buy her time. If you give a stripper a lot of money just to ‘talk’ she’ll assume you’re waiting for the chance to roll her in pepper and make a belt out of her hair. She’ll relax if she knows you understand the club’s just a thrill, not a dating agency, and she’ll work harder if it’s clear you’re smart enough not to blow your cash (don’t try the old “If I blow my cash on you, will you turn that cash back into a blow?” pickup line – it doesn’t work.)
• Be regular. This has nothing to do with taking a shit (unless you’re in a German strip club in which case you’ll know to leave before they play ‘The Strangler’s classic – ‘Golden Brown’.) Strippers survive via regular customers who ask for them by name. Being one means she’ll count on you coming round and make it worth your while when you do. That means your second visit should be more fun than your first.
• Buy her drinks. Many clubs require dancers to buy a set number of alcohol-free $10 cocktails each evening, ask her how many (it’s normally 2 or 3) and then ask how many she’s got left to shill. When you know, offer to get them all for her as long as she hangs out with you while she drinks. She’ll be relieved, flattered and grateful. Try not to think about what you’ve paid for – it’s mostly cola.
• Clap. Very few guys clap for strippers performing on stage, and most dancers hate being on stage. Clapping makes strippers feel more like dancers and less like vulva puppeteers. If George Clooney was watching strippers he’d clap and that dude gets laid all the time.
• Tip the stage. When a dancer you like’s on stage make sure she sees you leaving a tip. Aside from being universal code meaning “Congratulations on giving me an erection, come right over” this also reflects an appreciation of her art (I’m not kidding, I’ve seen strippers whose talent is worth a pair of large Pollacks).
• Be complimentary. Strippers know they have hot bodies, cute faces and great tits (if they don’t have any of those things, what are you doing?) If you can find something nice to say which isn’t clichéd or obvious you’ll stand out (“You work the pole like my kid sister, hey – come back.”)

Black Hat Lapdance Optimization Techniques

Trying any of the following moves makes you a scumbag but damnit, some of the happiest people I know are motherfuckers.

• Feign illness. The perfect illness is something fatal, believable and non-transmissible. Leukimia’s great, MS – without peer. Tell her your meds have everything under control but… (trail off and look at your drink). Then smile and say that you’ve made a bet with your friends that you can ‘check-out’ broke and happy if you work at it hard enough, tell her your presence in the club is part of the plan, because when your last girlfriend found out about your condition she left you. Enjoy.
• Take a woman with you. Strippers do stuff to, and for, women that men don’t see outside a thai-brothel. If you can convince a woman to hang with you, and get dances, you can witness a show that’s a thousand times hotter than anything a guy would receive. Try to position yourself between the dancer and the woman and make the dance a shared experience. When the rules go out of the window it’ll be hard for her to tell who’s doing what to whom.
• Ask her questions. All strippers have three names – their stage name (e.g. “Chardonnay”), the ‘real’ name they tell to customers so they feel they’re getting somewhere and spend more money (e.g. “Mary” – it’s always something deliberately plain) and the name they have on their drivers license and their parents gave them (I once knew a stripper who worked as “Destiny”, told people she was Sydney and was in fact Willow – which made her real name more ‘stripper’ than her fake ones). Until you know a dancer’s real name everything she’s telling you is bullshit. Of course, really smart dancers have four names…
• Hold out for the 2-for-1’s. Most clubs cut songs to about 90 seconds (it’s why you don’t hear much Zepplin) and 2-for-1’s offer marginally better value. They’re always followed by other dances but, if you have the balls to leave after your freebie, you’ll maximize your return on investment. You can’t do this with the ‘free’ dances some clubs sporadically give out – leaving straight after one of those will only prove you’ve no money (and poor people are slightly less attractive to dancers than guys in ‘Cunt Hunters of the Night’ T-Shirts.)
• Get a Chicago roll. A Chicago (Detroit, Philly etc.) roll is a fist-size roll of ones, wrapped in a few large notes. It looks impressive despite being worth less than a half a pair of Nikes. Letting a stripper see your roll sends exactly the right message (I’m-a-rich-guy-with-an-easily-manipulated-ego.)
• Fake being a regular. Ask your dancer when she normally works, and mention that you’re new office is just a couple of blocks away (you’re self employed and can set your own hours). If she’s working in daylight hours during the week, say you might come round and ask if she’ll mind. The dayshift, Sunday to Thursday, is dead in most clubs, she’ll want you to be there, and will work to ensure you come back.
• Go during the day. The only people who visit strip clubs in the day are unemployed pensioners and people spending welfare. If you arrive when it’s slow and have money to spend, dancers will compete for your dollars. Try a dance from a couple of people you’re indifferent about, tip big and wait for word of your presence to spread. When a dancer you are interested in approaches you, say “I’m sure you’re better than the rest but I’m bored and I think I’m going to call it a day.” She’ll try to convince you to stay, you’ll reluctantly concede and then enjoy a dance she thinks she has to work extra hard at.
• Be recommended. Playing to someone’s ego works 90% of the time in all areas of life. Tell your dancer that a friend told you she was the best he ever had (“…he was here with a bunch of friends a couple of weeks back, kind of stocky, Mike” – she’ll remember him just fine). With her professional pride at stake as well as her reputation she’ll ride you harder than a Chinese bicycle.
• Say you work for Playboy. This is a really shitty move but it’s tragic how well it works. Without a business card you’ll have to tell a story. Try the truth – Playboy won’t publish women who’ve posed naked anywhere else. Then tell her it’s your job to scout for new talent, but the clubs don’t like you being there because they think you’ll steal away all their best girls (that’s true as well). Tell her you don’t have business cards on you for the sake of discretion, but that you think she looks right for the magazine. Focusing on your guilt will help you last longer as she attempts to fellate you to a modeling career.
• Be a VIP. This is pretty easy if you look the part. Tall guys play basketball, white guys drive Nascar, black guys run record companies and women are lesbian TV executives (say you work on Desperate Housewives). Most people, including dancers, think fame’s sexually transmitted. I used to tell people I was a famous guys brother at clubs and hang in the VIP room getting comp’d while I waited for him to arrive. I know – I’m a bad person.