How to Look Like a Porn Star

As I write this I realize that ‘How can I look like a porn star?’ is a question as validly answered with ‘Get fucked on camera’ as anything else, but what this post is about is the oft-neglected art of make-up.

In an age of PhotoShop (and whatever the software’s called that removed the wrinkles from Naomi Watts’ neck in King Kong) a lot of people have conned themselves into thinking any blemishes they photograph can be fixed ‘in the mix’. It’s an appealing idea (somewhere between ‘Chocolate air’ and ‘Downloadable pussy’ in my book) but not a reality. Digital make-up is harder and more expensive to apply than the real stuff. While removing a zit from a scan is easy, applying eye-shadow, without making the person you’re re-touching look like plastic (which is only okay if that’s what they’re made of) is extremely difficult.

I’m not a make-up expert (I’m not even that great a dancer… hang on, that’s a mistake – I am a great dancer, they call me ‘Snakehips’) but experts I know (all too shy to be named, all currently working in Hollywood) have told me a few simple tips you can use to improve your looks, or those of anyone you shoot. Ugly’s genetic but fugly’s a choice, just say no.

• Foundation – Use a primer before you apply foundation, it’ll last longer.
• Eyeliner – The key to glamour. Stick to the rules of light and dark, choosing a color that suits your clothing (not matches unless you want to look like a twelve year old Japanese fashion victim). Line the upper and lower lashes and gently highlight the brow-bone.
• Eyeshadow - The darker it is, and the further away from the eye you blend, the more dramatic the effect. Try not to look punched.
• Mascara – waterproof is the way to go if you want to avoid that ‘crying teenager’ look when sweaty.
• Eyebrows – Comb them upwards and then use a pencil, as if you’re trying to draw on more hairs, to add definition.
• Lips – The younger the woman, the darker the red that’ll work. If you have a large nose, big chin or are over 30 choose a lighter shade, bright red lips will highlight your hideous physical ugliness. Blondes suit pinky red, brunettes can wear almost anything (you can see this for yourself when you cut through a blonde – the inside’s all pinky red).
• Skin – get a ‘glow’ by using highlighting products that reflect light away from the face. Moist formulations and illuminating cream blushers in pink or peach work well.
• Nails – to avoid looking like a tacky slut (always a problem when shooting double-anal) go for a classic screen-siren look, red with the cuticle tips left clear. Orange/red, scarlet and burgundy also work for this effect.
• Hair – should compliment the face, not overpower it. Less is more. Once it’s washed and conditioned, blast it with freezing cold water – it closes the cuticles, keeps the curls in place and leaves it soft.

Now I’m off to kill animals, urinate in public and otherwise reclaim my manliness.

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