I formulated the basic structure of the Kisses and Candlesticks idea in London.
I was with a stunning American woman I’d last seen in Los Angeles. We had dined at Gordon Ramsey and were on our way to see Les Misérables (note to the ladies – an evening with the Sugarman is always five-star). She looked stunning, and by the time we were faced with a vast pile of petit fours, the urge to scream ‘check out this six-foot Californian bombshell with the degrees – she’s with me and we might have sex later!’ was significant. My good taste in friends was confirmed when, as soon as she left our taxi for the theatre, our driver did that ‘if I were younger/is she a model/treat her right/nice tits’ thing.
When I caught up with her in the theatre lobby I was overwhelmed with a desire to show her how much I was enjoying our evening, pulled her close to me and kissed her cheek (note to the ladies – the Sugarman is a gentleman).
I clearly surprised her. She pulled back from me an inch and looked me straight in the eye. Her eyes were huge but told me nothing at all but, after enough seconds had passed for me to feel a bead of sweat form on my back, she cracked a smile brilliant enough to melt rock. That was my first realization, the power of kisses:
We give small tokens of affection to people we care about. Kisses, hugs, kind words, smiles. They show that we care and encourage the people who receive them to like the person giving them more. Their cost to the giver is immeasurable, as is the positive effect they have on the recipient.
The second realization came during the first act of Les Misérables. In the story our hero steals silver from a priest who has kindly taken him in. He is apprehended and brought before the priest. Surprisingly (and this is the crux of the story so – very minor spoiler warning I guess) the priest doesn’t press charges, but tells the police the stolen items, silver candlesticks, were in fact a gift. The priest then gives the thief even more valuable items, telling him he has bought his soul for God, and that he must now vow to change his ways.
What I realized was this:
Accepting a gift seals a contract between giver and receiver. The contract says:
‘In return for this, I hope you will…’
This is universally true. Even a gift for a child is given in the hope you’ll be remembered in years to come. The strength of the contract a gift represents, and the likelihood the recipient will honor it, depends on the amount of goodwill the gift-giver has shown in forming it, i.e. the greater the value of the gift to the giver, and thus the more faith they show in giving it away, the stronger the bond of trust the gift represents. Good gifts, form strong contracts which recipients honor.
This reminds me of something that Derrida wrote in Glas and riffed on for the rest of his career.
“I give you - a pure gift, without exchange, without return - but whether I want this or not, the gift guards itself, keeps itself, and from then on you must owe, tu dois. In order that the gift guard itself, you must owe. You must at least receive it, already know it, recognize or acknowledge it. The exchange has begun even if the countergift only gives the receiving of the gift.”
Of course he can’t be a Marxist when he is eschewing marketing philosophies. . .
Ellie,
I love the way you make me sound smarter than I am. Of course I’m a Marxist so Derrida is okay.
Hey, I love the way Derrida makes me sound smarter than I am! I’ve been reading a lot of the “porn studies” lit lately. You’d be shocked at how smart these people make it all sound. It is going to help me get away with writing final papers about smut.
“petits fours” Sam, not the singular. So the point is? The more thou giveth (so that you can correct me back for the petits fours) the more thou shalt receive in return?
P.S. : I don’t want to be a bother, but this is sounding like the guy you talked about in one of your podcasts… Show us your face Sugarman! Yes I know, hidden super powers, Austin Powers style… Shagadelic!
Jamal - you shame me with my poor (non-existant) French. I do kiss that way though (BOOM, BOOM!) My face? You wouldn’t thank me for it, SoccerGirl’s still recovering…
The idea will get clearer over the next couple of posts. I think there’s a really, smart way of doing things that people are missing because they don’t understand the detail. Detail is everything (and I’ll go into that more tomorrow).
This plan is starting to sound pretty interesting. I think I see the shape of it, but I think the details are what will make it workable… interesting post series.
Then again as a product of Catholic school I have an innate appreciation for the finer uses of well-intentioned guilt and obligation. Of course there are the people out there who will happily just take and say, “Sucker!” but if you see marketing as flirting, as trying to get someone to like you and pay attention to you (and of course follow your planned course of action, whatever that may be) then building trust and that feeling of friendship are good. It does seem to me like people want to reward people (financially) who have given to them in the past as a way of saying thanks.
Katie, I hope the detail becomes increasingly clear. It’s really a philosophical difference. Giveaways are as old as time. I just think that (online in particular) they’re mishandled terribly. You’d be a really interesting challenge (that’s a service it’s very hard to sample). If you want any help with application though I promise to think…
Sam, I think where you are going is to what we might term a “value-add” model. In which a certain base level is provided for free and then charge at the point where value finds itself added. These are the points at which we, as consumers, find ourselves most happy to pay.
To toot my own horn for a moment (oh were I that flexible), that is what I am doing with my book. I have placed the whole text up on the net to read. In many ways I see this as equivilent to browsing though a book at a bookstore (which can be seen as an example of this model in the “old economy”). Few people are going to read the whole thing that way, though some amazingly have. What it does do is encourage the people who dig it, to go and order it online.
Anyway, keep it up. You rock like a spastic geologist…
Jock - your book giveaway is an ideal candlestick. Easy online because the ‘bits’ are free. It’s a way easier way to spread the idea of your book than trying to sell it to everyone who wanders by.
What you need is a great kiss. Perhaps a digest of the book which can capture people’s interest without them investing time in reading the whole thing.
Keep it up though - you’re cutting edge.
Gordon Ramsay? I am impressed…at your gustatorial stamina. We can talk about wine lists.
Viviane - I love a bit of the old fine dining. As for wine, love it - know nothing about it. I’m saving knowing about wine and golf for old age.