How to Date a Porn Star in Eleven Easy Steps

This will be considered dressing down…

After spending the weekend at a bachelor party being asked ‘How do I get to date a porn star’ and then returning to an inbox filled with variations on the same question I thought I’d better provide an answer.

I speak from experience. I’ve dated the jizz-bizz holy-hottie trinity - Glamour model, Playmate and Porn Star. I don’t recommend it.

Dating a Playmate’s like driving a Ferrari Enzo. You’re constantly stared at, as soon as you stop moving you’re surrounded by a crowd of onlookers and people keep asking how ‘…a guy like you got that.’

Glamour model’s are a little easier. As they don’t have sex for money they’re easier to be around and less shocking to introduce to friends and family. Less positively, they often possess bodies capable of making anything they wear slightly pornographic, which gets embarrassing at funerals.

Porn stars are the most difficult. They get approached by men who’ve seen them having sex and assume that standards of normal courtesy don’t apply. They’re often crazy. When you introduce a porn star to your father, and he takes you aside and says ‘She looks so familiar…’, you can essentially say goodbye to your erection for a week as your head fills with pictures of poppa enjoying your lady’s work.

All that aside, meeting your victim potential partner is the first step.

If you live in LA, and you go out, you’re meeting people from the adult industry all the time, even if you’re unaware of it. Give it time and you can approach an adult performer in an entirely natural way in a bar, club or library. It’s the best way but also the least certain.

If I wasn’t in the industry I’d say the easiest place to meet people, with a view to seeing them on your own time, is at a party. There are lots of BBQ’s, pool parties and events which have an almost 100% jizz bizz guestlist. Making friends with someone who works behind the scenes is a good way to get invited, the industry’s small and being a friend of a friend can win you a guest pass.

Be careful who you choose to hang with, you could easily buddy up to someone controversial and end up being blackballed from one industry clique or another. (If someone asks you to a party and mentions being blackballed, make sure you’re not being hit on by Lexington Steele.)

If making friends seems too hard you may be a sociopath. To meet others like you, and a wide range of adult performers, you can try visiting trade shows - notably InterNext in January and August and Erotica LA in July. This creates about as positive an impression as tackling a woman while she fumbles for her keys in an underground parking lot and dry humping her. Women have their guards up when they’re surrounded by tubby Trekkies with hard-ons.

LA natives have a chance to hang with performers each week at ‘Porn Star Karaoke’ which takes place at  9 p.m. each Tuesday at Sardos, 259 North Pass Avenue in Burbank, just off the 134 freeway. There’s always a good selection of people, and it’s open to the public. Take a cute and outgoing girl with you. A lot of women in the business are bisexual and they’ll notice her before they notice you. It’s an easy way to an introduction and will make you look less like a desperate fanboy loser customer.

Finally - if you’re rich you can buy an evening with a porn star at Danni.com. Their auction site regularly lists chaperoned ‘Dream Dates’ with models and performers. Be warned - they’re not all single and some of them chew with their mouth open. Dates often go for over $3,000 and some have made over $7,000 - there are some very rich and determined fans out there.

For the purpose of full disclosure I launched Danni.com’s auction site, but I don’t make a dime from it. It’s legitimate and the dates are well organized and fun (I’ve chaperoned a few myself but don’t worry - normally it’s a cute woman, not a 200 lb guy).

On the subject of full disclosure, I should also mention that, during a daring raid on their HQ late last year, I stole the Omega device from ‘The Confederation’ and gave it to my glamorous NSA handler who I only know as ‘Lady J’.

Most of the time making a good impression on someone who works in the sex industry is about being unlike all the other men they meet. These women are hit on all day, every day. They’re very aware of their status as sex objects and are inherently distrustful of men. Don’t talk about any prison time or your collection of hunting knives until you’ve formed some sort of bond.

Once you’ve met your your target here’s what to do when you’re talking, charming and dating her:

1. Be cool

Play hard to get, even if it means tea-bagging your junk in an icy drink (not hers) when she leaves to go to the restroom. She wants to date an equal not a fan. Be as nonchalant as you can without being a dick.

Whatever you do don’t show her off. She know’s she’s a prize. Don’t use her to impress your crew and don’t mention what she does in public unless she does. Introducing her as “Mary, from Massive Objects Mary dotcom,” will end your evening fast.

2. Be a gentleman

She works in places where people glance at her drivers license and then ask her to strip off (like the DMV). She will be particularly vulnerable to old-school charm. Flowers, cards and notes go a long way, as long as they’re meant sincerely. She will want to know that you like her despite of, not because of, what she does.

If she tells you her real name she trusts you. Don’t use it in public unless she does. Performers have to guard their identity’s and switch between persona’s for good reason. She knows the waiter recognized her when she walked in, and will show up at her house if he can use her real name to find out where she lives. Kill him now, she’ll thank you later.

Take your romantic inspiration from Lionel Richie’s ‘Three Times a Lady’, not The Analog Brothers ‘Pimp to Eat’.

3. Make her chase you

There’s nothing a woman finds more attractive than a guy they can’t get. Let her make all the moves. She will, and you’ll look cooler than all the guys chasing her.

Whenever I’ve had performers flirting with me I’ve been in situations where responding in kind would be seen as unprofessional. It could be my aftershave that makes them want me, I wear Sex Panther which is illegal in nine countries, but it was probably because I was hard to get.

4. Don’t become a suitcase pimp

Show no interest in getting into the adult industry yourself or managing her career. A lot of guys see performers as a meal ticket and if you give off that vibe she’ll run away. Even offering to help drive her to a photo-shoot, or spend all her money on your car, can set off alarm bells. 

To avoid looking like a suitcase pimp avoid sunglasses unless you’re outside and it’s sunny, wearing untucked, open-necked shirts made of shiny fabric, or being in a band that doesn’t sell enough records to keep you fully occupied.

5. Clean your whip

If you don’t have nice wheels at least keep them clean. There’s a lot of money in porn, you’re going to have to park beside a lot of nice steel. In LA people check out your steed if they can’t be bothered to talk to you but want to work out what kind of person you are. LA’s fucked.

I can’t really explain this, but every woman I’ve ever met in the adult business has liked cars. I used to drive a European classic which attracted women like a free shoes, lose weight, fuck Brad Pitt promotion at the local mall. Respect your ride.

6. Hide your stash

De-porn your apartment. Porn is work for her. If she’s into it she’ll lead the way and provide it for free. Assume she’s not and eliminate the risk of getting it wrong. Once again the less of a fan you appear the better.

She’ll see fantasizing over people she knows as akin to cheating. Pointing out that she’s had sex with the people on the DVD’s she’s bitching about, while I’m totally monogamous won’t win the argument. Nor will pointing out that claiming to be a Catholic is a bit strong Lena, given how you make your fucking money? Christ you’re a hypocrite.

7. Don’t assume

Forget what she does when you’re talking to her - even if it’s playing on a plasma screen just over her right shoulder. If you treat her like a stereotype you’ll mark yourself out as an asshole and provide evidence that you’re not listening to what she’s saying.

Let her talk and then latch onto the things she says. Don’t worry if you get it wrong to start with, listening is hard (tip - watch Oprah, they do it on there.) Practice on less attractive women and build up to one your really want to be, you know, on.

8. Be smart

This is psychology. People assume she’s stupid because she’s sexual. She hates that, and goes out of her way to appear smart. Therefore if you appear smart, you become the kind of man she thinks she should be with, even if you’re not ideal in other regards. Even if she’s not smart, she’ll be flattered that someone who appears to be is interested in what she’s thinking.

Take a breath. You might be feeling dizzy. That’s okay - I am blowing your mind.

9. Be mainstream

Porn stars often take the ‘No one outside the industry understands this’ view and resolve to date only performers after a string of failed relationships. With these people you’ve got no chance. Luckily the majority of people don’t feel this way and want to date people who are as mainstream as possible.

The most attractive partners for women in the industry are men who are more famous than they are, and guys with good, respectable jobs. Cops, doctors, teachers and other totally average occupations have a bizarre reverse glamour for people inside the jizz-bizz.

Whatever you say, don’t say you’re unemployed. It says suitcase pimp faster than a furry hat and a bass guitar riff.

10. Don’t look

One of my best friends tells his partner “I promised to be faithful, not blind” whenever she catches him looking. She laughs. It won’t work with a performer.

Women who are (brutally) judged on their looks, are very wary of men who might only want to be with them because of how they look. If you stare at every teenage Lycra-clad-Happy-Meal that walks by, you’ll give off a vibe that you’re looking for the next hot thing. She wants to know you’re into her and her alone. Especially when she stops starving herself and living in the gym.

Here’s a tip for creating that effect. Stare at her forehead and try to count the follicles on her hairline. The slowly scanning gaze this creates will look almost identical to falling in love from her perspective.

11. Be boring

If you’ve followed all the advice to this point you’ll be going to bed with her soon. Keep it simple.

Once again, she’s going to want to know you’re in bed with her - not the fantasy she projects at work. Be loving, and keep it tame - lots of kissing. Leave the gas-mask and ‘Mini Replica Vibrating Pope’ in the closet for now.

The wild stuff might never happen. Some performers like to keep what they do in their private life and at work as different as possible. Be very careful about spicing it up, she’ll lead the way when she’s ready. If she comes home to find that you’ve got a Darth Vader mask on and have lubricated the faucets you will scare her off.

Go get em tiger.