How to Make Porn Worth Watching (A Free Idea to Every Reader)

Music, makes the people, cum together.

For a long time part of my job has been to come up with ideas. Normally the people asking me to come up with an idea want something that’ll work for them as a new piece of marketing. I don’t find this difficult. What’s hard is hearing why anything that’s not exactly the same as the things everyone else is already doing, is too risky to attempt.

That’s why I prefer working for myself (they’d probably say that’s what’s makes me an asshole.)

This is one of those ideas. I don’t want money (I’ll sue you later if you get too successful) All I ask is that you tell me if you use it.

I was reading about a slew of ‘big budget’ porn movies being released this summer. Big budget in the world of porn, meaning anything over $100,000 and a four day shoot. Pretty funny given that Jennifer Aniston’s hairstylist gets paid $7,000 a day (she told me) and takes a week to style a merkin.

When I speak to people about adult movies they normally complain that they’re crap. They’re right. The acting’s rubbish and the music (if it’s there) sounds like the ‘Demo’ button on a 1988 Casio ‘Home Organ’.

A big budget won’t fix that. Acting quality’s got nothing to do with the budget (have you seen ‘24‘? Why does every man in that show whisper every line they’re given?) and everything to do with the performers. In porn the performers in a ‘big budget’ production on Monday, are the same people who were getting down for almost-full ‘Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf‘ customer loyalty cards the Friday before. The music in big-budget porn is, at best, originally composed synth noodling - that hasn’t worked since The Equalizer.

Finally porn’s too long. You watch it until the fish escape. That’s it. At best a big-budget movie’s going to be watched in sections and, in that instance, the plot’s a hindrance not a help.

What’s the solution? Remove the acting, fix the music and keep it short.

“Sam!” you say - what about gonzo? No acting, no music!

“Don’t be a cretin” I reply, slapping you hard across the face with my leather driving gloves. “The ‘acting’ in gonzo is there in all the fake emotion and the bullshit ‘Hey, what’s a girl like you doing selling Bible’s door to door? Free dildo with every purchase you say? Come on in honey, I’ll take one…’ ‘reality’ setups.”

“So how do you fix that Sam?” You reply, rubbing your still red cheeks and wondering at the awesome power of my thickly muscled guns.

Here’s the idea.

Set up three or four video cameras in a room (more is better) each manned by a woman who knows how to focus. Then film hours of people fucking, sucking and doing that thing where you feel like you’re going to, and then you’re not, and then you do and it’s just like a wave of minty ice water breaking over you and it’s so damn good.

You’ll have to shoot a few hours to make sure it’s real. No acting, no direction, just people being sexy alone, or with someone else, or two. It’ll be hot - trust me.

Then you cut all that footage down to the good bits. You’ll lose about 90% of it if you’re lucky. Now you have a pile of primo quality scud clips (that’s a technical term obviously) without a plot or a soundtrack.

Then you contact an unsigned band (try www.iuma.com) and do a deal whereby you’ll credit their music in return for being able to use it in your production.

Most bands will say no but a few will say yes. Porn is cool (fact) and unsigned bands will do anything for an audience. It’s easy marketing and a chance for them to be associated with ‘naughty’ without closing any doors. They’ll probably ask to visit the set and try to date a performer. Porn stars and bassists go together like bassists and single digit IQ’s.

Now you have original, properly produced music with some semblance of credibility, which isn’t embarrassing to listen to and a stack of clips. Just cut the video to the audio and create something like a hardcore music video. Three to five minutes of hot sex over a decent tune. The perfect date basically.

It will give most viewers all the time they need to whitewash a sock, and provide a far more watchable, and wankable, result than some porn-bunny pretending to be a cop, posing as a hooker, trying to infiltrate a gang of lesbian nuns.

Brilliant I know. Send me any MTV style shorts you put together and I’ll tell the world about them.